When I was little people used to call me daddy's money 

But non of them knew where daddy's money really came from 

It wasn't from hard work 

Walking up hill both ways

Callised hands 

My daddy's money is a family secret burried with the rest of the skeletons in our closet

 

In our kitchen a box of needles sits above the microwave 

Mary asks me if they are for insulin, her brother had diabetes

I am 7

I laugh 

No they are for daddy's magic I tell her 

Mary isn't allowed to come over anymore and I don't understand why 

 

I am 8

Me and daddy go for a drive 

he says we can get ice cream but we drive past two Dairy Queens 

daddy says we have to run an errand first 

But in my family errand is codeword for 

scary parking lots 

close your eyes 

don't look no matter what 

We pull into the parking lot and I look away so that daddy can go sell some magic

 

By the time I am 9 I have seen at least 19 exchanges of magic 

The kids at chuch teast me for bank statements I don't understand

The moms ask me what my daddy does for a living

I tell them its a family buisness because daddy says his magic is a secret

But God says not to lie 

So I say this in some form of compromise 

 

Four months later I sneak downstairs it is 11:30 

I finally ask my daddy why he puts that syrenege in his arm 

he says it makes him feel 

Magical. 

 

daddy buys me a pair of dimond earrings 

The kids at bible class ask me if they are real 

I say yes

The next sunday the start callung me daddy's money 

My daddy's money came from stained cheeks and a stained sidewalk 

He is causing a war on the sreets while I fight a war in my mind 

 

I am 10 the first time he has to skip town 

he was moving every six months changing his phone number

I was calling to wish disconnected phone lines a Merry Christmas, Happy birthday

Just to say I love you daddy 

I prayed for the day I might catch up to him before he turns into another forwarding mail address

or maybe by some act of magic he would come home to me 

But thats the thing with addicts

They become married to the needle and nothing will ever be more important to them

 

Every time an unknown number pops across my phone

My heart drops

Did he play with too much magic?

Did the devil finally catch up to him?

Is it finally over?

At least if he's dead I'll know where he is

 

I am 11 in gym class crying

Why are you crying daddy's money? they tease me

But my daddy is starting to seem more like a ghost

And his money is disappearing just as quickly as it comes in

Because Heroin is an expensive habit

And dealing it is dangerous

 

I am 14 walking to buy my own form of magic when I see a familiar face

Money must have brought my daddy back into town

And as he looks up from his phone 

And at me 

he keeps driving 

I think this is when I stop beieving in magic