It was as if the weight of every bad choice I had ever made

came back to haunt me

all at once

every foul thought

every bigoted feeling I had

within my rocky upbringing

 

The world finally turned it's back on me

turned to walk away and screamed

YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE!

 

And just like that

Everything I had was gone

Every good thing I worked for

Vanished into a swarm of bees

Moving in for the kill

 

Just like that

My already defective heart became a little more broken

One more emotion to carve into my flesh

To remind myself how not to be when you want to fake happiness

 

You see

I spend so much time trying to convince people I just don't care about

how much of a bad ass I am

Sometimes I forget to turn that off before surrounding myself

with people who know and love me

 

All of a sudden it became clear as the road was rushing beneath me

As long as I turn the wheel quick enough

My pain could be gone within minutes

Or seconds

At that moment

No doctor could help me

No pastor talk me down from the mountain of suicide I had built from the start

I was MADE for this moment

My bones intentionally hardened to maximize impact fragments

as my body twisted in the throws of a beautiful revenge on this bitter world

 

I don't know what to believe about my past

I don't know how to interpret my wrong doings

I am who I am

and I'll be damned if this world will get the best of me

 

Three years later I am still terrified of my best friend

Maybe because he saw the real me

and I turned my back on him like life did me

Betrayed him in an unforgivable manner

 

Two years later and my heart still longs for her touch

The race my heart got when her embrace lifted my soul into the endless ecstasies of the cosmos

 

My heart has healed over

My mountain of shit moved

Probably flattened and mate into apartment buildings somewhere

in this endless array of development

 

All I have

Is my memories of my loves that have lost their way

The laughs we shared

The time we spent together, will be forever engrained on the plaque in my heart

 

I hope the future holds promise

But if it doesn't, the time spent in this painful meditation

will be much deserved given the betrayals against my two greatest friends

I love you both

You know who you are, and you know what you have in your hands.