I wish they knew how it feels to be me.

I wish I could cry for help, fall to the ground and…

I wish they knew that award ceremonies are lose-lose situations

On one hand, I need an award because otherwise, I’m clearly not good enough,

but on the other, I can’t go up there because I’ll mess it up, make a mistake, do something wrong.

I wish they knew I’m not just the quiet kid because I have nothing to say, but because

I am too scared that I’m wrong 

and even just the thought of saying something scares me

I wish they knew that the topic is miles ahead of me 

miles ahead because it took me that long to work up the courage to decide to say something,

or not

I wish they knew how much I hate presenting, not because of the performance, 

but because my hands start to tremble, 

because I turn warm

my face gets flush, 

I can’t focus

it feels like I’m doubled, 

one: judging me for every. single. movement. 

the other: just trying to get this all over with because

my mouth only makes half-formed sentence because 

I just try to stop. freaking. out.

I know that’s informal and overused and whatever else your thinking,

but I just don’t know how else to say that my mind is running a losing race,

trying to find the next word that seems to just, disappear… 

because my mind is thinking about a million things, but the words my mouth is forming is far from the first thing on my mind.

Instead my mind races.

Am I standing right?

What do my hands do?

Does my hair look good?

Am I presentable?

They probably think I’m stupid and dumb.

I can’t even form a proper sentence without say ummmm or uhhhhh a million and one times.

How come I CANT DO THIS?!

What am I supposed to be talking about?

What do I say next?

How come this is so hard?

It’s stupid, I know and

the worst part is, 

I can’t stop it.

I can’t tell myself “don’t” because that’s just not how it works.

Instead, I sit there and I suffer and follow the rules that I set up for myself.

One: don’t go first or last, those are the ones that people will remember

two: don’t do anything crazy, out there, or abnormal, people will remember that and judge you for it

three: agree with any criticism or statement no matter how much you disagree with it or degrading it is

four: memorize it letter for letter until the words are branded onto your brain forever

five: don’t give into the fear, people will remember the time you break into tears because you’re too afraid of their judgement that probably doesn’t even exist!  

“I’m okay.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Don’t worry about me.”