judah

The problem was never

that i didn’t love you

enough

the problem was that i

i have always

loved you too fiercely

wanted more than you could give more than you would give

more than you could even consider

that you wanted me less than her

whoever “she” was.

 

the problem was

is

that she’s the one you write back to.

I understand i’ve always understood

i love her too

But for the past months you did nothing but complain

mention she only ever picks fights

in your precious few phone calls

all the while you and I grow closer

share more experiences, more secrets, more drinks and trips

 

JUDAS

you have become my

betrayer

I don’t understand what i did what i didn’t do

why you don’t love me

I;ve always tried my best

to make you happy, more than i ever tried

to make myself,

happy.

i was trying my best when i fucked you,

three days after she broke your heart

two days before you were set to leave for

six

goddamned

months

 

we talked about it so

Sweetly

and you told me what you were going to do,to me

and that i had grown since we last were together so sweetly

and in the Morning we woke up ant we talked about things and agreed

not to make a big deal of it

i’m sorry I never stopped loving you

too fiercely

maybe i’m sorry i never stopped loving you in general

 

i never saw why i needed to stop

loving you.

  

Jude.

 

i’ve been telling you that i love you

for as many years as i’ve known you

(which is five or six now, i believe)

((time passes differently and i remember it less well since shit hit the fan))

 

i thought that would be enough, for me to say i love you

and hear it back

I didn’t know you would write back to Her first

and me, never

to tell her that you missed her more than anything else

more than family

more than the sunset over the lake and the stars in the sky above our city our state our homes

that you Love her, gods above and below do you Love HER

more than she knows

more than you could ever say in puny human words

I didn’t know i wasn’t supposed to tell you

that she’s doing well, that she’s moving on that shes okay

i sure as fuck wasnt supposed to drunkenly snapchat you about the 30yr old she’s hooking up with

behind her new boyfriends back

wasn’t supposed to drunkenly snapchat you

to tell you that not only do i love you

but i am In Love

With You

and now im not supposed to worriedly count the days until you get a phone back and Pray to every god you helped me find

that you don’t confront her about it and oust me

that you don’t confront me about it that you let my confessions wither the way i want my body to wither, forgotten unless requited.

 

the problem was never that I didn’t want You