I didn’t like you at first.
In fact, I thought the worst
Of you
When you were pressed against
Some random girl’s lips I tensed
Up and buried my face into my scarf;
And I would cough *Cough a lot* just to show her How sick you made me.

But the way she was propped up against the wall; Drawing you closer between her fingers,
Tight enough so you wouldn’t fall,
But loosely enough to radiate

This sense of confidence I craved—
Your type made me want to barf
But dear God no matter how much I may hate You I couldn’t shake off this feeling.

And resorted to stealing— You became my own
We caught fire
With every breath blown Suffocated by your warmth, Clouded by delusion,

You weren’t as bad up close,
You were just someone to get used to.

It’s true that this wasn’t how I pictured
Myself, and when my friends told me to ditch
You I found my excuses held more strife than reason, And you weren’t a fix
But at least you were there.

It’s self-destructive conflict; I’m a martyr pinned against My homemade crucifix

See my parents were never around; I’ve been neglected
I’m the only successful creation,
Of the source of my frustration

And I swear I only wanted to get back at them By destroying what they made from scratch.

Me.

They didn’t approve, but they weren’t
Trying to patch things up;
They tip-toed around it as if they didn’t give a—

Look distracted

Dysfunctional family called for
A challenge to my sobriety
But alcohol was out of reach,
I was shy, with no connections, and just eighteen, But there you were,

I struck another match;
Another spark that could turn into a flame, And I let myself love you.

And submerged myself in you, But I didn’t actually need you Want you...

I was the one using you,
I was in control.
I could dump you in back of the alley And never come back to see you Erode in the rain
But forgetting you wasn’t easy.

We were on and off a few times; But I learned to ignore the pain, Signs of your abuse became visible On my skin;

I felt dirty, unworthy,
I could scald myself in boiling water, But there was no removing
Your putrid scent.

Anxious when you left and
Depressed when you returned,
It was harder to quit
Than to spend everything I’d earned.
You hit me up with your friends,
They battered, beat me, left me numb
I could feel the damage immediately,
It didn’t come slowly or creep up
Like when I had you next to me

Quickly speed up, frantic, and then yell.

I envied the feeling of mediocrity,
And I came crawling back in reverse
Because how sinful can something really be
If there’s something else out there that’s worse?!

Short pause

So I said goodbye to Mr. Pluto and Ms. Candy And held you tightly with my hand.

Longer pause

I had to run away from my mother and father, Because they couldn’t stand
Me anymore.
The problem wasn’t you anymore.

They slammed the door
Shut and I couldn’t pay rent,
But your presence was cheap, When I couldn’t make ends meet.

Our time came to an end
When one of my old friends
Told me I deserved better.
I ditched you after a battle within,
But you weren’t going down without a fight.

I would remember your plight, And you attested to it,
So when we split,
That’s when it kicked in; Those years of abuse

Left me hospitalized.

Yet still I itched to have you.
I couldn’t touch you with my lips With the ventilator over my mouth; I would combust with just one whiff.

I love you,
I should hate you,
I’ve had enough,
You’ve left me stained yellow;
Your loath has fully spread and it’s not just my body; It’s in my head.

I try to warn others
Against your promiscuous pull,
With a drone voice like a android,
A hollow-shelled humanoid,
But I’m no Henry Wadsworth Longfellow,
Not a poet, nor a know it
All—
And I’m smothered
By the guilt of knowing that if I’d only listened To those who’d experienced
Your wrath,
And if I’d waited my troubles out
Because the bad times never last
Forever,
I’d have been OK.
I wouldn’t even have had to be great,
I’d just have had to be OK.

I’ve said goodbye to my flesh, My blood is impure,
I am tainted by your cancer, And I’ve not got long,

My Sweet, Sweet Cigarette.