Recently I found out that a bible study made up of a few girls from my school discussed at one of their meetings how I am a hypocrite, because I say I am a christian, I say I believe in the words of the bible, but I also, quite loudly, openly support sexuality in all forms.

so dear bible study,

let me tell you about myself.

 

I am a christian

I have grown up Christian, my mom has those bedazzled t-shirts with the pink rhinestones shining in the shape of a giant cross and big southern lady hair, we’ve got a wall in my house covered in crosses, I go to church, I sing oceans, I’ve got a journal, I write prayers in it, I’ve tweeted a few bible verses in my day, I’ve fed the homeless.

 

I believe I am the living remains of the scars of Jesus.

I believe the heavens whispered my name at the beginning of time and I believe they whispered yours too.

 

I believe in Genesis.

I believe Adam and Eve are my brother and sister, I believe they taught me that I will sin, but I will constantly pursue purity anyway.

I believe in Joseph’s coat of many colors.

I believe he wore it to a pride parade.

 

I believe in Galatians.

I can recite the fruits of the spirit, love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self control.

I believe they are fruits of the spirit, not fruits of the flesh and I believe that because i am flesh I will never be able to achieve these things to their fullest extent, but I believe I can try.

I believe in the fruits of Jordan, I can recite them:

Laziness, cynicism, love of sweatpants and socks with funny prints, love of sunshine, love of rain, ability to watch parks and rec for 9 hours straight, lack of ability to dance, motivation to do it anyway, knowledge that I have absolutely zero patience or self control but awareness that I am trying to.

 

I believe in Mark.

I believe when Mark told us that Jesus said Love thy Neighbor he didn’t mean sometimes.

I believe that Mark shoulda' said it louder for the people in the back.

 

I believe in John .

I believe that God sent his son into the world not to judge the world but to save it.

 

I believe in Ephesians.

I believe God is so rich in mercy that although we were dead from sin he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead.

 

I believe in Mercy,

I believe in Mercy,

I believe Mercy.

 

I believe my best friend’s muslim.

I believe my best friend’s atheist.

I believe my best friend’s catholic.

I believe that buddha’s a badass.

 

I worship with my hands in the air, crying praises to the one who makes my tears,

but I worship with my hands to the ground, outstretched fingers ready to pick up my friend who is crying on the floor of her bathroom because her girlfriend no longer loves her.

I worship, kneeling on the floor of my church, succumbing to the greatness of the one who weaved me, but I worship standing up, hunched over, bearing the weight of my gay friend on my back who can no longer walk because his strict hispanic father refuses to look at him.

I worship carrying him.

I worship with my voice belting songs of praise promising to my God that I love him that I will always love him, my smile rejoicing in celebration that he is good, but I worship with my shaking voice whispering to my friend who doesn’t even know if she wants to be alive that tomorrow is worth seeing.

I believe that no matter who you are, who you love, who loves you, that tomorrow, tomorrow is worth seeing.

 

My father sees God with an angry wrath, as a God that is looking for a reason to deem him unworthy, a god that is determined to condemn him to hell, but I know heaven actually feels like my dad's embrace.

I think heaven looks like the kiss of my lesbian role model and her girlfriend on June 26, 2015.

I think heaven sounds like Beyonce and fireworks and screaming your favorite song in the car.

I think heaven smells like fajitas and guacamole and chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven and anthropologies volcano candle and chicken minis.

I believe heaven’s favorite book is catcher in the rye,

I believe heaven dances to taylor swift using its hairbrush as a microphone,

I believe heaven plays cards against humanity,

I believe heaven weeps for police brutality,

I believe heaven believes in Michael Brown and Eric Garner and Trayvon Martin.

I believe heaven’s bio reads feminist.

I believe heaven shouts yes all women!

I believe heaven shouts black lives matter!

I believe heaven shouts trans lives matter!

 

I believe love wins.

I believe God wins.

I believe God is love.

I haven't gotten to ask him yet, but I believe God did not specify what kind of love.

God made me out of love,

God made you out of love.

God made each person out of love, each woman each man, each straight person, each trans person, each white person, each hispanic person, each black person, out of love

God taught me to love, God taught Christians to love, God taught atheists to love, God taught Muslims Hindus Jews Catholics to love.

 

My love is no different than your love, my love is no different than their love, my love is not morally allowed to cease because of a love someone may not have believed in thousands of years ago.

My love sins.

My love crashes, my love falls, my love is scraped and flawed, but my love is not broken

Her love is not broken

His love is not broken

God’s love is not broken,

Love cannot be broken.

So I will worship. I will worship with my hands up, I will worship with my hands down. I will worship with my hands holding the hands of sinners, with my hands holding the hands of preachers, with my hands holding hands deemed disgusting.

My God made these hands. My God made this mouth. I will not stop using it.