I feel this new thing

New freedom

Independence

It runs through my fingers

Like a snake

Slithering

And it feels nice

I want to hold it away

Pass it on to someone else

They can have it

I can go back

Is this me?

This is new

 

I need it

I know I need it

I see that I need it

Why is it so hard?

Why is this so hard

To hold on to?

 

I accidentally drown it

Sometimes

I drown it and forget

That this new freedom

This independence

This fake, posed, pretend independence

Is what I need

 

I drink

And it’s gone

It floats away

And I’m me again

Old me

Little old me

Holding and touching

And wanting

And yearning

For something to grasp in my fingers

Something real that I can pull to me

 

Something that pulls

And pushes

And pulls again

Open my heart

Give it away

Pass it on to a stranger

Be my friend

Love me

But then I am close

I’m pulled in, too close

Too deep now

Where do I go?

The water rises

Panic grips my chest

 

Is this what I wanted?

Why did I want?

I pull back

I don’t want this

I pull away

Get away from me

Take your warmth

I don’t want it anymore

Get rid of it

I keep pulling

Pull, pull

Pull until it snaps

Do it all again

Pull, snap, repeat

Pull, snap, repeat

Pull snap repeat

Two times

Then ten

Then twenty

Then thirty

Who knows?

Maybe forty

Or a hundred

They arrive

I reach, I open, I give

And I snap

Pull, snap, repeat

 

When can I wear this?

When will the freedom

Fit me

Like a glove

Or a warm sweater

I’m uncomfortable

This isn’t real

It’s a glass shield

I want to love it

I want this independence

To flow through me and feel right

It’s so foreign

And strange

I know it’s good

I know it’s important

But then

Pull, snap, repeat

Pull, snap, repeat

 

I don’t miss him

I don’t miss him either

I don’t miss number one

Or number ten

Twenty

Thirty

But I’m cold

And I’m tired

I can’t

So

Pull

Snap

Repeat

 

Soon

I can

Soon

I will

Soon

I might

But not tonight

 

Why can’t I get a grip? Why is it so hard for me? Why can’t I dig out these tentacles in my brain, and sort them in their individual cabinets? Who let them go rogue? Get back, go back to your boxes, thoughts and ideas and desires. Put yourself back. I can’t control you. I can’t hold you in. Please, just get out. Get out of my brain. Put the harm away, keep only the good. Bury them, bury the bad. Contain it. Shove it. All of those things, just go away!

 

The independence is false. Why can’t I figure this out? I stitch it in, it unravels. I glue it, it falls apart. I tape, and hammer and nail and wedge and it always falls away. I wear it, but it’s fake. I fly my fake flag like a banner for a country that is pretend. I am not who I want to be. Gather it up, bury it in the dirt.

 

I dig my fingers in the earth. I feel the dirt in my fingers, and I feel better. Bury it.

 

I run through the woods. It might hurt. That’s okay. The air is free, drink it. Soak it in to the skin. It’s fresh. Refresh all of me. Shed this old skin, cover it with dirt, it’s hidden. The trees don’t care. The leaves whisper nonsense, but it’s better than words between my ears.

 

Bury it.