Plant a golden human seed and water it for 80 years (about a cup of water every hour).

Patience is the key. Crops that are fertilized with fake chemicals will just bring out a fake golden human.

Once the head has sprouted, it’s only about ½ of an hour until the body grows.

After the body has grown wait for it… (Honestly, the best part)... the organs. Those will be ready in approximately 3 years. During the process, the brain will be given a refreshing and enriching juicy flavor to the point where it might just burst. For the heart, it must be fully kneed and battered around.

You can now finally, and delicately, pluck out the human. Best way is to dig around the soil. Pulling it risks torn limbs, which can cause you to start over if damaged.

However, you are not a golden human, therefore follow my directions closely and open up your eyes. You don’t have any more time to spare, so think carefully and use what’s left of that rusty brain of yours.

Carefully place it in the oven and heat it up 360 degrees.

For a golden and crispy soul, best wait for 8 years

Ding! Your golden human should be ready now! What are you waiting for…? Hello? Your perfect golden human is now ready and edible! Get off the chair and prepare some knives and forks!

How dumb. Look at you, eyes closed, dry drool, flared nose that only got to feed on the aroma. Totally ignorant. That’s why you’ll never me a golden human.

Don’t read the first step again, it’s useless. Just close this cookbook already! You are not worth it. You’ll never be able to achieve the golden human anyway. Yet, if you are really smart as you say, (I DARE YOU), read the first line again, and repeat it over and over, until you get it. Who knows, you might finally be able to be a golden human.