I am unpredictable.

I soar through the world in fragments, each being

meaning

seeming

like something apart from myself

 

when in reality,

they are all pieces of me.

 

Disconnected yet connected,

distinct yet so incredibly intertwined.

 

My unpredictability knows no boundaries,

too loud, too quiet, too much, too little—

It sets no limits.

 

I am sorry if my unpredictability scares you

I know it is much easier to follow convention than live in a state of nonlinearity.

 

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

 

Daunting, unpalatable, confusing.

 

I promise it is all of these things for me, too.

 

It has taken me through middle school.

 

cleanly shaven legs, pin straight hair, caky bronzer

 

And through high school

 

Hairy legs and natural curly locks,

 

euphoric high-highs, and hauntingly hellish low-lows

 

It leaves a bitter aftertaste in your mouth. 

The kind that is indistinguishable, possibly ethereal. 

The kind that possesses accents of intensity in every lingering flavor.

The kind that leaves you confused, not knowing what it truly tasted like. 

It leaves no cushion, no room for surface-level conversations, no safety blanket.

 

I was sitting down with my cousins.

 

My cousins turns to me and says, “Sarai, I wonder who you are going to bring home for Hanukkah.”

 

Mind you my other cousins have not brought home anybody, there are four of us who have no partner and I am the youest one of those four.

 

And still, she asks me. Only me. 

For years I yearned for predictability. 

For anticipation in my actions

routine in my day

resemblance in my conversations.

 

My mom says it’s a compliment.

 

For being unpredictable is a gift

For knowing no boundaries and having no limits is something I should be proud of.

For I am unpredictable and no one thing defines me. 

Well, i guess, except for my unpredictability 

 

I have learned to take this gift of mind and use it.

 

To surrender to an unforeseeable future

 

To soar around the world with my fragments, 

navigating how to make sense of them myself.

 

To find solace in the unknown and the uncertain,

 

To weave comfort among a life of discomfort.

 

I have learned to live, to struggle, to thrive in the depths of the cosmos structured by linearity through a fragmented body.

 

So, forgive me for my apology.

 

I carry my silhouette of unpredictability wherever I go and will continue to do so.

 

For I, in fact, am not sorry.