Wake up at night

 

all I can see is your face

 

ten years and still not right

 

I wake up and think about

 

if someday in the void of bright white light

 

if my love, if my friend, I'd ever see you again

 

and I'll tell you by the end of this song

 

what I screamed, what I shouted for so long

 

 

couldn't explain the slow, sick desiccation of my heart,

 

thought we'd never be apart

 

I'm sorry you had so much pain in only 14 years

 

you could have risen to great heights but you leaped from them instead

 

to the stinging of your tears

 

to the music of the spheres

 

to the trepidation and sadness pent up inside your head

 

over in 4 seconds, I wondered what you thought before the ocean swallowed you dead

 

 

no funeral to cry at in consternation

 

numbing time with crushed up lines

 

was an everyday destination

 

I tried to go with you

 

And they put a tube down my throat

 

I laughed hysterically

 

And on gastric contents, I choke

 

 

sticks and stones

 

I remember the day they told us

 

mud and a realtor revealed your skull and bones

 

 

I was and I'm colder than the artic

 

a hidden cache of feelings somewhere

 

shock and stoicism allowed no room to feel cathartic

 

 

 

sick because memory cannot conjure the color of your eyes

 

forever beheading myself

 

for your descent into the abyss,

 

why couldn't I see your unhappiness

 

I couldn't see I was indulging a plate of lies

 

all along depression and drugs were the mask, depression and drugs were the disguise

 

it's a gift to be here to say Hellos before Goodbyes!

 

To my friend, forever lost from suicide.