I feel like I'm living to unintentionally piss off beloveds

I see them and I know I did something wrong

though I cannot reconcile what that something must be

but I feel like a burden

I feel like there's no way I'm worth their love

since lately I don't even feel worthy of my own

but I have to press on since that's what must be done

but I feel myself writhing around in awful

balking at everything while my heart tries to stop me

but right now I'm just pretending and coasting

since I cannot dig deep enough

to find the goodness

which is likely why I push away the ones I love the most