My thirteen reasons why 

Life pushed me stronger to survive 

 

One. Served for a few years , 

Some very holy regulars came in 

They said I've been gaining weight

& they said they'd like to pray for me

& asked why my boyfriend wasn't telling me to be thin 

 

Two. Fast forward to now , an employee of mine 

Figured he would ask if I was pregnant or not 

I'm not sure if he was serious or meant it as a joke 

But neither of us laughed it was in my mind but I tried to push it back 

 

Three. Hung out with a popular kid 

He made me go down on him

We were behind my old elementary school

No one was around so I'm sure he felt safe and sound 

& that was the first time I'd done anything with a guy 

 

 

Four. The next day at school , word got around

All his friends tried to "kick it" 

& I tried to laugh it off like it didn't bother me at all 

 

Five. I can't remember how old I was 

I just know it was thanksgiving day

Me and my sister were sitting in the car

& at that time I think she was being mean to me

My dad got fed up , he pushed her head against the car glass 

He said something about killing her, and I know it was out of anger but because of that I had my first anxiety attack . 

& to this day it's still the worst one I have ever had 

 

Number six . The times that I couldn't pay for shit. 

Electricity was cut off , more than once

Eviction notice on the door 

Towing warning sticker on my car cause I couldn't pay to update my tags

I didn't have food to eat so my body always felt so weak 

 

Seven. I'm going to try to make this one as vague as I can . You set us up to potentially make something , and when it happened you ran. You apologize about it all the time but that doesn't change anything in my mind . 

 

Eight. We would always go on different dates ,

You were the first guy to show me how I should be treated 

You were also the first guy I really put my feelings out there for 

& it was cool till your girlfriend called and said she was pregnant 

You really made me stop believing in love shit 

 

Nine. Lived in trotwood, first apartment.

Never imagined I'd be to scared to leave it

Crazy neighbor Dwayne or cornbread as he liked to be called

Started taking drugs and started going psycho 

We had to whisper in our apartment while he was screaming and threatening , played porn on the loudest sound 24/7 . 

I remember randomly looking out the peep hole and there you were with a knife in your hand just looking at my door .

 

Ten. Cornbread finally got arrested after he went to far with the landlord . I thought I'd feel at ease but he had a pimp and his "kittens" house sitting . 

Which meant all day and night , strange men were in and out

And I could constantly hear females yelling and crying . & there was nothing I could do about it 

 

Eleven . We were together for a while , you became so mean and manipulative . 

But you kept all that a secret and if anyone would ask , you would smile and say "we are good " . 

Everything you did to me and everything you said to me affected me for a long time but luckily I realized that's not who I was at all

 

Twelve. Depression ,  you know I couldn't keep you out.

You've made me want to give up so many days 

But with out a doubt I will never let you have your satisfaction 

 

Thirteen . It's blank right now . 

Because in the future people will say and do things that'll make me wanna cry

Life situations will happen that will make me question the life I'm living. 

 

So thirteen will be filled one day , and the list will continue . 

 

One thing you have to understand is thru every hard time, a lesson will come 

 

And understand thru every hard time , you got down and got right back up , maybe a little bruised but you still continued to push thru

 

I've built a big tough wall with self care and self love . So whatever happens to me , won't affect me so much . 

 

& I know not everyone's in that state of mind , so if you aren't feeling fine . Know that I am here to help build your big tough wall . You got this , keep going strong .