a (not so) sweet boy

if it wasn't my fault, whose was it? Don't say words you don't mean especially when you tell them to a sensitive teen. I cried the nights you were upset with me, I cried when you told me: "You don't always have to say sorry" I cried a lot more than ever before and maybe that's why I didn't cry immediately when it felt like my heart tore. Maybe it's because I already saw it coming 3 days before. Oh wait, I think it was actually more. So yes the emotions were crushing, like waves hitting the shore, I'm trying to forget now, so please just let me shut the damn door! But no. Because then a window flies open, and somehow all the walls become broken just because I thought of you. Now everyone must think I'm missing a screw. I guess you're that fucking screw, cause i'm missing you. I never would've thought that thinking of you could make me so upset, because every moment I could've changed makes me feel so much regret. If I told myself from March what had happened, she would've laughed in my fucking face. "ha! that's funny, why would he ever leave without a trace" I'd look into her eyes, and study her witty face. "I really don't know, not in this case" Her smitten features would fade away just like how relatives told her they would someday. She'd be so confused, and she would ask me questions I myself don't even have the answers to, because truth be told I still need those answers too. I don't know how I'd help her, but I know I'd try. I would try and hug and affirm her, like that one sweet guy. The guy who'd hold me when i was breaking down, the boy who always loved having me around. With him I would always smile, not frown he could make my entire world turn upside down! and he did! But- Not in the way he usually would, not in the way sweet boys should. But he was a sweet boy, he was mine in fact. That is what his name was saved as in his contact. He made me feel loved when no one else did, and when we were alone, he'd act like an adorable little kid. He brought out the little girl in me, the little girl who I didn't get to be. He was my escape from it all, he was there whenever i'd sob or bawl. I guess a "sweet boy" was just a title that you couldn't defend, you gave me my childhood, just to break me in the end.