You were something that invaded my life.
You creeped in unexpectedly.
I tried to impress you, live up to your standards, be your friend, but didn’t get anything in return.
Every day, I put effort in to show you that I am worthy of your attention.
I watched you talk with others, laughing, posting pictures, dancing, eating, and every second as a bystander, I wondered what I could have done to make that me.
What could I have done so that I got invited to that party, or even just to walk to class with you?
Once in a while there may be that fake laugh accompanied with the always degrading look of disgust.
That glare of pure hate and the confusion and questioning of how I could honestly be that horrible.
The sadness accompanied by certain actions, and not knowing how to control it is something I have dealt with my whole life.
I have always felt as if I just didn’t fit in all the way.
Since the second grade, I was excluded by B and J, got talked about by the soccer team, and struggled to find my place in life.
Although the bullying happening in elementary definitely taught me how to stand up for myself, no second grader should have to go to counseling during lunch time to learn how to deal with a person making them cry every day.
They should be out jump roping and singing.
Struggling with school, not happy with soccer, I became physically ill.
I would attempt to go to sleep at night and literally not sleep due to the intense amounts of dread and anxiety for school the next day.
Moving through this, I finally thought I had my life under control, but found in sixth grade that rather than going out to recess, it would be safer for my emotions to go to the classroom and read.
There was no way I could be hurt reading a book. I didn’t think so at least.
I became the loser and everyone knew it.
This pattern of social and emotional hell made me question how I could be so horrible that I could not even keep one friend.
I dealt with the back talking, hearing that girls literally hated me, getting texts saying that I shouldn’t play soccer for my school because I was pathetic.
I was hopeless.
This constant dread and fear of people despising me.
Although not always so extremely blatant, the talk behind your back hurt even worse.
I would walk the halls and see someone, scared I would mess up. I didn’t even know what I could mess up, but whatever it was I didn’t want to do that.
All I wanted was for people to like me.
I began to create some self-hatred.
I would always look good on the outside, trying to show my invincibility, when inside I was just breaking, because of you.
A heart so full being so broken by the misery of those terrible feelings.
I tried to take blame for my complete exile. It must have been me that made this happen.
When I tried to join a group and the automatic reaction is an obvious “get out”, it feels as if there is no place to go.
When I am sitting next to someone and see them texting about me to the girl sitting right next to her, that’ll hit you in the heart.
When I hear that my own roommate hates me.
When nothing ever seems to be enough.
When all I want to do is fit in with the group.
That’s all I wanted and ever want.
It’s so hard dealing with this anxiety of fitting into the group and wondering why I never do.
But here is one thing I do know:
You will never expect ME to be the successful doctor.
You will be shocked by my resiliance and courage.
I will prove to everyone who doubted me,
That I am indeed, a powerful woman taking life by its reigns,
Ready to exhibit my strength, and crush you, right when I feeling you coming back.