I try but when I know I wasn't trying hard enough, I fell short of making it.
I try but when I know I had more on my train of thoughts, I fell short of succeeding it.
I try but when I know my standards weren't high enough, I fell short of reality.
My mum and dad argued with me about me not applying anywhere but I knew my grades weren't there nor was the money to apply to all the colleges I had thought of.
I know I am being kicked out at eighteen, constantly being told that, I see it.
I want to get out and gain life experience because I thought high school would allow me some but I only sheltered myself more because of the values in which I had grown to live upon.
To join or not
To leave of not
Those are of my future but I know my present is to work for my standards and excel my expectations.
I want time but I won't be given it, it's either college in the fall or a shelter for the winter
But alas, I see one complication, one minute detail...
She does not want people that tell me a gap year is fine
She does not want people that influence my decision-making
She does not want people to push me away from education
She is a mother
A very sheltering mother
That smells right from wrong
But unfortunately she believes that my thoughts are so influenced by others, to where I am saying I do wish to attend college
When really it is that, I do not wish to attend college at this time only because I want to experience life before entering my adventuring years of age.
I want to come-of-age
I feel something missing and I don't understand it
I never have
As it has blocked my thoughts
Have I become disorderly
Why am I unable to retain any form of knowledge
How can I try but not try
The words of so many, and I know
I may come off as though I am alone in this world but that is my feeling.
My state of being
And I know putting me out will only heighten my weariness but develop a strength
Bitter and missing of comfort.
I laugh at myself realising the things I decide now will forever be a considerable matter to affect my mature and senior years.
And it scares me, leaving my laughter at a sudden halt of fear and worry
I hate that moment where she tells me I'll never make it to my dreams and that I'll die forever in regret
I want to prove her wrong
But I get so caught up in the thought of the moment I prove her wrong like in my dreams
That I take a step back to realise I am supposed to be doing this for myself
Yet she is making a statement that I want to prove wrong
But she doesn't want me to do things for her
Am I even sane
Am I as thought insane
What makes me overthink
It's funny how when someone asks me a question, I honestly don't look at them I look down trying to think of something but I don't have that little voice (like I do now) to speak of an answer that came from my train of thoughts
I have empty thoughts
Empty without the voice
"The down-to-earth daydreamer"