Forbidden Words

Once again

I find myself

Staring at a

Body that I 

Don't know. 

What happened to

The dreams of 

looking like your thinspo?

Or being someone else's?

Everyone tells me the opposite of 

What I tell myself

And I tell myself that

I am fat

And revolting.

Simple.

Understandable. 

The truth, obviously.

But

For just a 

Spilt second as 

I stare at this 

Body that I have 

Been taught to despise

I see and think of something

Unimaginable

Forbidden.

That the reflection 

I see in my mirror

Is bearable.

And my mind is at war 

Over whether I am fine 

The way I am or

If I am an

Ugly,

Obese whale.

For just a second

Barely a millisecond

Forbidden words flood my mind

Trying to take over

My poisoned mind

and say i am beauitful.