Hi, how can I assist you today?

Hi, my name is “what the hell are you doing?”

I guess it’s my birth name, but not preferred

My parents call me bastard

It’s not the best nickname I’ve heard

The cops call me a thug

But it ain’t the worst thing they’ve slurred

Hi, my name is “asking for it”

But sometimes I go by slut

The media can tell you all about it

And why it’s my fault I didn’t cover up

I could write a book on it

But all anyone cares about is my butt

Hi, my name is “second best”

It wasn’t passed down from my father’s side, mind you

He was the valedictorian and quarterback

I’ll never measure up is what’s assumed

The black sheep, the family’s disgrace

But really, who the fuck am I trying to woo?