Loser

Location

Slap me with your words and crawl into my mind 
where you'll find me or what's left of me. 
Grab me with your hands, handle me like you had handled me.
Gently, 
like I was a prepackaged novelty. 
I thought you loved me, 
but that was just a manipulation of time till my warranty, my value, no longer applied. 
I'd heard the story so many times 
how
"I'm sorry " 
could change my mind 
I never believed it till I fell for your lies 
So convincing... But
I shouldn't have given you another chance when my blushing face turned black and blue.
You 
You are my notebook, my Cinderella dream.
Too good to be true 
Everything was not what it seemed.
Behind walls in the shadows you changed or maybe you didn't. 
Maybe that was you. 
Maybe it was me that made you do the things you do.
Excuses excuses how can I did I am I
to excuse this 
My conscience is pulling out loopholes in your game enough to wrap a noose around my neck like your hands did but this rope felt looser.
My friends said that you were a loser but with me you won every time.
I'm sorry baby, it won't happen again. 
I love you and you need me 
So leave me and no one's going to want you 
Believe me.
I'm too good for you but I stayed for you because 
I love you I love you I love you
Love would tell me what to wear.
Love would tell me who to talk to.
Love would always answer for me.
Love would always end with sorry.
Love painted me permanent colors that stained my skin for weeks.
Love hurt me the more I tried to speak.
Love wasn't isn't couldn't be this cruel.
I was playing a dangerous game with handwritten rules.
And I couldn't read the situation because I've never been here before.
I should have read more but you didn't allow me.
Instead you threatened me but ended with kiss.
An apology.
Why apologize for a mistake you keep making.
A mistake calling this love.
A mistake I keep faking.
I should have left sooner. 
My friends were right.
You're just another loser. 
And now I'm in a bad situation.
Bad enough to have a choice, 
Worse off to not have a voice. 
This is hard enough.
Now this is life and death.
But if I don't get away now,
I'll have nothing left.
So I do what I can,
In secret I plan my escape.
These types of situations don't have room for mistakes.
My life is at stake.
But I have to try, 
this was never the plan I had for my life.
Today, tomorrow, tonight. 
I have to fight.
Because this love just didn't feel right.
My heart had enough of the constant beating.
I deserve respect and I deserve to be treated 
like I had standards 
Because I have standards.
And no one should be afraid of knowing what they need
I need someone who treats me right. 
And if I can't find them, that's alright.
But I'm not lowering my value. 
Because   I   know what I like.
 
-Sonya Leblanc 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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