Rant #22

It was my sister’s birthday the other day.

Hopefully, the last time I will be present for one.

I mean that in the way that I don’t wish to be here next year.

I wish to escape, anyway I can. Anyway I can.

But I will be with her in her heart of hearts.

Which is an idiom that I have never really understood.

But it will be as if my soul will roost inside of hers, 

existing like a heart murmur,

Just a whisper, a memory

But the truth of the matter is that her memory of me will be far different from mine.

She only saw the part of me I wanted her too,

The sweet kid, without the disease. 

But perhaps she might learn the other side of me,

The part I’m ashamed of.

I'm scared for that moment for when it comes,

The memory she carries through her arteries will grow heavy.

Her blood soured, what if she grows to despise me.

My little baby sister, with that hair I was always jealous of,

huddled against this newfound hate for me.

My sister is so many beautiful colors, 

A  mosaic of preservation.

I know even now, she’ll survive the loss of me.

Even if this memory of me is pulled from her, leaving a gaping hole in her chest,

My sister would sew herself back together,

either out of spite or healing and she’ll survive.

My sister saved me,

even if she’s unaware of it, she taught me how to overcome my secret addiction.

I made myself better for her.

That too-dull night when I thought I wasn’t going to see the next dawn, 

My sister came in and handed me a chocolate chip cookie.

That night when I was so defeated,

When everyone was against me all those years ago

 and I was bullied and teased and mocked.

That night when I took that blade and popped my wrist open,

Intending to take every drop of blood by ripping open my wrists,

My sister, ever unaware, just walked into the bathrooms connecting our rooms and

sat there.

She just sat there, but that simple act saved me that first time,

and she has saved me every time I’ve attempted after that.

My sister is an angel despite what all the others say, and an ally.

My dear, scrappy-in-the-best way alleycat. 

That fight with your friend?

Fuck your friend. I’ve spent too long in horrible friendships

Getting bullied and ripped apart. 

If they can’t see the fact that you are a guardian angel, then perhaps they are blind.

Perhaps our god, whatever it is, has made it so only I can see I can see your wings.\

Your designed to fly my little alleycat,

long after everyone else gives up and stopped flapping,

You will continue on, even with rips and holes in your wings you’ll continue on.

All of this to say, 

No matter what, No matter what happened.

Know that I loved you, LOVE you.

So, So, very much.

If your struggling know that I’ll continue on with you,

I help lift you up by being the wind beneath your wings.

I became Elpis for you...

And Ally, if your do fall into a hole you can’t get out of yell.

Yell, because you matter. You matter so much to so many people.

They’ll get you out of that pit, even if my skeleton still lays at the bottom.

I know that was kinda rough but I think best, process best, when I write out my

thoughts, and I suspose everything makes a little more sense in lines, stanzas,

and lyrics. I shared it here because perhaps, someone will want to read it, it might

help them in someway? I dunno. As Always Have a good day/night!