I was at the end of my rope

The palms of my hands burning

My mind telling me to give up

But that ancient part of me bent on survival refusing to let go

 

How did I get down here?

Was it that teasing laughter

Or those words they said shouldn’t hurt me?

 

Was it that, that pushed me so low

That I couldn't see the sun shining above, or the stars twinkling

Calling out to me with their never ending mysteries?

 

What happened to thrust me so deep into the Earth

That all I saw was the blazing inferno in its center below

Scorching my legs scalding my body as if I was slowly burning alive

 

And I was

 

I stared down at it, that fiery pool below me

My fingers flexing

I would only feel it for a few seconds

I felt my grip loosen

But tighten before the thought fully ran across my mind

 

What if I never saw my mother again?

Never heard her sweet, sweet voice

Calling me a strange strange child

As she shook her head, smiling so warmly

 

What if I never saw my little brother again

 

The only little boy I knew who could look so scary holding nothing

But a blue crayon

 

What if I never saw my father

Who got on my nerves more often than not

But loved so much more than I care to admit

 

I was, what they call, an unwilling daddy's girl

 

I remember when he was teaching me how to color

Saying: IF I SEE YOU DRAW LIKE THAT AGAIN

 

No more ice cream after dinner

 

I remember how that chilled me to the bone.

 

What if I couldn't see that random boy at school

Who tapped my shoulder

And told me he loved me

Only to say heck no, when I asked "Really?"

I had finally came up with a good comeback

 

But as my arms weakened

And that pathetic part of me cried out to let go once again

It slipped from my mind

 

And then

Something amazing happened

 

I clasped that rope beneath my fingers

Pressing it deeply into my palm

With hope and courage I never knew I had

 

I bear hugged that rope so hard in my hands

I felt calluses forming

Surprisingly eased that pain

 

I held on for dear life

Because in those moments

In those few

Precious

Seconds

 

I realized just how dear life was to me

And I was going to hold on to that life

 

My life

Until the very end.