Untouchable

Do you think that I’m untouchable so you treat me like someone who is supposed to sit back and be quiet even while you torture me with your words?

You think that I am a silent victim but you treat me like an object,

Never once did I get a “thank you” when I didn’t fight back when you brushed your body against mine,

I sat there disgusted with myself because you did what you did but I couldn’t report it,

Why?

Because it never got farther than you brushing up against me or rubbing your hands along my back,

You took away the childhood I dreamt of,

One where I spoke for what I wanted instead of having other people make decisions for me,

Instead I had the childhood that ran short,

For four and a half years I was bullied and harassed,

For four and a half years I never ate more than one meal,

When I was 14 I weighed 88 pounds and I was only getting lighter.

Never once did I realize that I might have had an eating disorder,

Maybe that’s because my parents never noticed,

Or maybe it’s because I was too scared to even try to get help,

Never once did I stop to think that you were the reason,

You were the reason why they told me that this would all end soon

Well if it’s supposed to end soon, then why is it still happening to me

When I look at myself in the mirror why do I see someone different from what they describe

Going to school feels like a battle ground and I am being beaten day after day

I start to hope that I’ll get beaten up, bloodied, or bruised but that never comes.

The anxiety mixing with my constant hunger only makes it easier to ignore because I can’t be a burden or else everyone will leave.

Right? 

The uneasy feeling in my stomach that tells me to run never leaves

 I spend every day thinking that I am in danger 

But day after day I am met with nothing

My friends now feel harder and harder to talk to 

My family feels hardest to even express how I really feel

So I keep this character in play

My mask.

Someone who loves to talk to people and who doesn’t care what they think but cares how others feel 

Someone who is always happy and rarely anything else

Someone who is really down to earth but still has their head in the stars

I have to make them believe that I am really ok right?

I don’t want to make anyone scared again.

Scared that I can feel all of this emotion but toss it into myself so that others don’t have to worry

Scared that I am not the person that they thought I was

What happened to you?

That’s what they’ll say.

That’s what they always say,

Never will I get an are you okay?

Why?

Because I’m supposed to be untouchable.