Nothing
There isn’t a day that goes by
Where love is on the backburner
A thing of the past
A fleeting memory in the light of reality
It doesn’t burn out like a flickering candle
Lost in the wind
Surrendered to the mercy of the shifting breeze
It’s times like these where you resurface
Where I am unable to drown you out
You along with the ideas of you
The thoughts of you
the whatifs cycle on repeat
Inescapable alternate realities
a life I dream of, dreamt of
a life where you and I are united by three words
a single feeling, a single soul.
I can’t suppress the wave of emotions
The horrible but fantastic and thrilling possibilities
The ones that keep me guessing.
Wondering. Waiting.
For my chance to have what so many others have
But I never get that chance
I never feel in love
Not because I couldn’t
I was willing to fall
I was ready
My heart was open, its core fertile, hopeful
But nothing.
I stood there, unmoved, for the rest of my life
Never experiencing a loving touch
The words of desire and infatuation
Never so much as knew the definition of a crush
I paused anxiously awaiting the day to be someone’s everything
But, that day never came
I never found love.
Not because I didn’t want love
I couldn’t love
I was incapable of love
But, because I was unloveable.
I was the one who couldn’t be loved.
I was to blame for my own demise.
I was the reason for living without love.
I could never be anyone’s anything.
I wasn’t anything.