ClaudK

There were moments when I could not breathe

when every word I have ever wanted to say became trapped inside my throat

and suddenly all I could do was choke on my own silence

or risk saying something wrong

 

I was weak and alone

Stranded by myself in my own mind

 

Afraid of sinking

 

Every sentence was a nightmare

Every word I said was at war with my mind

I could not speak without feeling wrong

 

I did not belong inside this body

These hands were not mine

This voice belongs to someone else

I was not real

 

Words crawling out of mouth 

Leaving nothing but a foul taste and a sick stomach

 

I needed something to hold on to

A thread that would keep me from drowning in an ocean of my own creation

The pen was my life raft

 

When ink touched paper 

I could finally breathe

 

I wrote down every thought

Unwilling to bottle up my emotions ever again

They were a ship sailing on the seven seas

 

I was able to save myself with nothing more than a pen and a piece of paper

 

But I will never forget the taste of salt 

And the lack of oxygen underwater

 

Every day I fight to form words

Some days my lips cannot connect with my brain and the words I say

Are not what I want to hear

They spill out like seawater

I try to choke them back down

 

But my hand never wavers as I write

Each time the ink traces out a new word my shoulders feel lighter

I am no longer Atlas carrying the world

 

I am someone else 

Someone who can breathe without fighting for it