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I give in

My mother was I ever had. Once I found out the person who I called dad wasn't my father, I felt lost.. I didn't know who I was anymore. I had so many questions and thoughts about who I could possibly be. But until I knew, it felt like I was just there. The inside of me felt empty. It was like a whole other part of me was ripped away from me. I wasn't completely gone though.i still had my mothers half. And even though I had some anger in me from her keeping it from me for so long. I still needed someone to help me find who I was, and she was there everyday. When my siblings went to see their father, she was here with me and made sure I never felt lonely. And never did I ever feel lonely with her. Matter of fact I felt complete. Her smile..her eyes... Mommy your laugh. The way you squeeze me so tightly when I ask you for a hug. When you tell me you love me every morning and every night.... You completed me.... Yes we had our rough times when you couldn't stand me and said cruel things to me.... But I always knew you'd always be there for me. I couldn't thank you enough and tell you how much I appreciate you... I should of told you sooner. The day I was completely stripped away from my happiness was the day I knew you were sick. When I sat there in that chair and let the doctor spit sadness and fear in my ear. When I saw tears fall off your chin. That's when happiness left.  The day my soul died was the day you left. Left me here all alone. Never have I ever felt so much pain in my heart before. When you took your last breath my heart was lashed out of my chest . I couldn't breath and I fell to my knees when that line went flat. This just couldn't be. My mommy? My queen? Why couldn't it be me? I'm so sorry mommy you were finally becoming happy and living a part of your dream and God .... God why punish me by taking all of I ever had away from me?! Now who will make sure I'm never lonely... I still had my siblings.  We had our own rooms but we all slept together . We needed each other . We were all we had until the night after my moms wake when I was stripped away from my only other family. My baby brother... That was my Bestfriend. He always came to me when he was sad even though he didn't like to show his emotions. I miss you so much , your so smart. I miss your bright smile. And my baby sis. I was supposed to be your role model. But now you've lost yourself. I'm sorry I can't be there . I know I failed you I wish I could be there . I love you guys so much.  I'm so lost. My head is here. But my soul, it's lost. I can't think of another way of saying how broken I am but if you was to look into my eyes you'll see it.  For the past two years I've been masking my fears and covering up my tears. With no help at all and I feel drained. I'm so tired of helping myself. I've been climbing this mountain for the past to years to get to the "everything will be okay" and still haven't reached the top and I'm still no where near it because I keep getting hit by boulders of pain , depression  , anxiety  , all at once letting them knock me down. I'm too weak to stand them . All my strength left with my mom, all my courage left with my brother. & all my certainties left with my sister. Without them I grew to be nothing. I'll never get to the bottom of the top of this mountain . I'll never find happiness again . So what's the point . I give in. I'm all yours Sadness . Consume me. Kill me. 

This poem is about: 
My family