ActIng

There was a conversation that never happened
Not even a deleted scene
More like a storyboard
Lost
An idea cut from the first draft 
 
And you are costarring
slouched on the futon while we watch tv
telling me about your new girlfriend
specifically what you are going to do to your new girlfriend
Action 
 
And part of me still remembers my lines
even though I never said them
The conversation I just couldn't start
for fear of embarrassment, losing our friendship 
or just because the commercials were over
That one tiny gesture that might not have changed 
but might have
 
I remember how I never muted the tv
never put my drink down
never said 
how you talk about her
the way you treat her
Your hands are getting too big for your heart
I can smell the future
you
on your breath
She isn't safe with you
 
And now it's two weeks later 
and we're standing in my kitchen
that same silence between us
She didn't want to press charges
so you're a convict 
with sledge hammer hands and no boulders to break them on
 
I am the least important person in this story
and part of me wants to believe that you wouldn't have listened anyway
and part of me is always repeating those lines
and shooting that scene
reminding myself that despite this guilt
I am not a bad person 
 

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