Afraid

I walk into a room and all eyes are on me. I can feel them staring waiting for me to talk to mess up to trip to fall…. I am afraid

Crazy thoughts come to my mind thoughts that are not of my own. It says you will never make it, your skin color makes you inferior, your too old, what are you doing here?…. I am afraid

Am I really doing this to myself?

 Feeling the weight of my environment waiting on me to fail…. I am afraid

God if you love me you will get their eyes off of me. If you love me you would make the oppression of my environment stop… God I am afraid!

These thoughts are not of my own, yet I look at all these eyes on me waiting, laughing… are they laughing at me? and are they really looking at me?….  Or is it all in my head? …. I-am-afraid.

What is a colored girl to do when her own family doesn’t believe in her? Who would rather their child work 2 jobs because they had to than to get an education …. I am afraid

My friends have 2-3 kids with no baby father and barely a high school diploma, how dare I try to better myself and change the cycle!…. I am afraid

With no path laid out for me my thoughts go wild with uncertainty…. I  AM AFRAID!

I see their eyes all on me waiting for me to fail, to mess up, trip, to fall… It is not all in my head. These are the people who claim to love me tell embarrassing secrets about me. And they see the hurt in my eyes but they have no sympathy for me… I am afraid.

Is it better to be white… will my path be laid out for me… to have a family who encourages you and teachers who want you to succeed. I plead please let these negative thoughts stop, stop trying to slow down my progress, just love me and be happy for me…. But my pleading is always unanswered… I am afraid.

If I want success I am going to have to wipe my tears ignore the people I knew all my life, ignore the negative thoughts and continue on afraid.

I won’t be a product of my environment… but I’m still afraid