If I ever get to college, it probably won’t be for volleyball. I have no idea how to get to college if volleyball fails me. I should be positive, but...

I’ve received my first rejection letter from a college, and I feel as if it is the end of me.

Lately I’ve felt this huge restlessness, building up inside of me. Yearning to be given something other than a routine to fulfill, I know the only way to rid myself of this feeling is to feed it. Feed it by going somewhere else rather than school or volleyball practice. Not just following the rules and regulations of school or of a team. I refuse to be a part of such a thing. People don’t accept me, for me. And I find it quite disappointing.

The people that I am surrounded by are so judgmental. There is no room for individuality. You either act like yourself around people, and seem as if you are a jerk. Or you act and play a part that isn’t yours and go with the unchanging flow that is high school appropriate.

Me writing this is quickly proven to be a complete waste of time, because I know I cannot act like myself anywhere outside of my own head. I don’t know why I even think about things like this. Whenever I do think of things such as this, I become disconnected from the world. It’s as if I’m watching myself inside of a television screen.

It seems as if people from all over the place want to seem as if they are abnormal. Wouldn’t that make everyone normal? I see children acting with behavior such as this. Doing something that they think has never been done before. I know that I am not special, and I know that there are people that have thought of the same things that I’m thinking about right now. And with that to be a known fact living inside of my head, it makes me feel as if I’m just another squishy body aimlessly wondering around the earth.

But I wish to not be a wasted squishy body wondering aimlessly in the same path of the “American Dream”. I want to live. Nothing more, nothing less. I wish to travel the world, and see it for its raw self. Not how the government or marketing makes it seem.

I don’t want to live in ignorance of my own world. All I want to do is experience the world in an unrestricted manner. I don’t want to watch television and say, “Oh, so that’s what it looks like over there.”

I want to see the world for myself, I want to feel the world for myself, I want to touch the world for myself, I want to smell world for myself. I want to sense the world for myself, not based on how other people do.