An Application of Love

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5 things you need to know before applying to fall in love with me.

 

Number one.

I am a 4 year old girl.

who just wants to fly like the tiny paper airplanes made from my skin

I may look like your typical 18 year old who tries hard to be cool and mature

but every time there’s an open space in front of me

I will stretch out my arms

and run as fast as I possibly can and vibrate my lips like the strings on a guitar

almost hoping I can take off and never have look down at my feet while I walk down the sidewalk.

 

Number two.

I have the ugliest laugh.

It’s high and loud and obnoxious

and is often mistaken for one of my frequent asthma or panic attacks

but that’s only because the feeling of joy

that comes close to ripping apart my body, taking captive the dark clouds and watching them fall through fingertips like sand

because of you

it always leaves me gasping for air

 

Number three.

I fucking love Jesus.

but don’t worry

I’m not some Christian prude who is afraid to say fuck.

I’m washed in the river of living water

because when this world

of abuse and pain and fucking torture couldn’t satisfy me

He picked me up from my suicide bed and dusted me off.

You will sometimes have to let me be dusted off.

 

Number four.

I am codependent.

There will be days

when I am destroyed by the black thoughts in my head and you will think it best to leave me alone

don’t

when I am crying and screaming and might need your help in figuring out the difference between the razor and washcloth

don’t

no matter how many times I bellow out that I can’t bear to look at your face

don’t

it’s hard, I know, but that’s what you’re signing up for.


 

Number five.

I hate myself.

Sometimes nothing more than panicked breaths will enter my mouth for days

all that will be in my stomach is the dark matter that weighs down the pit

I will spend days in bed

smelling like five week old gym socks

because even standing in a shower seems to take all my love and laughter

It will be hard to smile in front of you

because I will know that every second you are going to be staring at a misplaced curve on my body that always seems to well up like tears every time I want to feel good enough.

You will have to love me enough for the both of us.

 

Prior experience of loving someone who is too fucked up to realize that the heartbeat in her chest is really a purpose to get up and change the world is required.

 

and trust me, it’s not an easy job.

 

thank you for applying.

 

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