Believe

 

I need to-
Have to-
It's become necessary for my survival,
My sanity:
This naive notion that happy endings exist,
That they're worth waiting for,
That all of the love stories and romantic quotes
Haven't been massive,
Societal lies
Fed to me as early as 
Breast Milk.
 
Because if it's not true...?
Well then what's the point of any of it?
I have to believe that there's something-
Something more than
Upended promises of forever.
Something more than 
The Nakedness of young bodies,
Pressed together in the name of-
Of what?
Curiosity,
An innocent foray into the world of adult?
 
Because none of that 
Is me.
Misguided, innocent, naive...
Take your pick of any label
Because I still have to believe.
Like a little girl believes in Santa,
Like a dying man believes in Heaven,
Like a child believes their parents are perfect,
Like all of that.
 
But that belief I'm holding onto,
It's a slippery thread
Or maybe a balloon on a string,
One that I keep letting go of,
Only to grope for blindly as soon as it's
Gone.
 
It has to exist.
In a world that is so dark, so miserable,
In a house torn apart by two people who love eachother,
In a teenage heart-
In a teenage heart.
In my heart,
My cold, unfeeling heart,
Good God, tell me there's someone who can make me feel!
There has to be.
All of the powers in this universe must have
Done that much.
 
You see,
I have to believe I'm a creature:
With Four Arms
Four Legs
Four Eyes
And maybe, just maybe,
One heart.
Otherwise, what's the point?
Why bother with all of the 
Pain, the inevitable, omnipresent pain,
If that doesn't exist?
How can all of the wonders in the
Magnificent world
Ever compare
To that?
 
I don't need it right now.
I just need to know it's there.
Validation,
My belief, my faith,
Needs validation.
(I don't care that it's called faith)
 
But I need to believe that one day-
One day,
That any of the corny lines that I think of,
Will pale in comparison to reality.
That when my virgin lips taste that honey kiss...
That these words won't do it justice.
That when I finally open myself up,
And drop my clothes,
Drop my walls,
Drop my fear,
That when I stand more vulnerable than
Any physical nakedness,
That any cheap cliche about puzzle pieces coming together
Or hearts beating as one
Will seem too small a feeling to describe
The love that I will be engulfed in
Every day,
For the rest of my life.
 
I need to-
Have to-
Believe in that.

Comments

world-joy-

Breathtaking in so many ways - thank you for writing this - it was a fine job 

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