This is so difficult. It's lke the beautiful woman I know is trapped and frozed inside the iron armor that is her very own mind.
Sometimes she finds an opening, a small hole where she can squeeze out for just a moment. She is beautiful and carefree and wise and kind.
Then all of a sudden a huge, whirling windstorm comes around and pushes her right back where she came from. She is then a prisoner in her own body.
This is when the dark side takes over. She is no longer beautiful and sweet.
She is selfish and rude and loud and hurtful. Every move she makes is dangerous and unexpected.
Everyone around her is changed. They are crying and angry and confused. How does this happen? Why? What do I do and why is the object of my affecion moments earlier now my worst nighmare?
The atmosphere changes. There is chaos in the air. Even your own mind is unpredictable because you don't know if you should be feeling pity over the poor woman or anger at the weakness of willpower.
How can someone so lovely not see how terrible the side effects of the disease are? How can she be generous and caring, and then snatch it all away?
There is paranoia in her every movement. Every word spoken cuts deep into others' feelings and emotions are torn. Everything is taken personally. There is no escape from this torture.
When is enough, enough? When are you supposed to quit and when do you keep trying when it all feels hopeless and you feel lost in a pit of despair? How can you live with someone who constantly makes you feel that you are the crazy one? How do you keep your own sanity?
I want the good so desperately that I woud go through this hell for hours, months and even years to try to get her back full-time. But one day I know I will have to let her go.