A fear of commitment has shadowed me for many years.
Not necessarily a fear of making commitments,
but a fear of my own ability to follow through on them.
I get invested in things very easily: relationships, big plans, activities on a large scale.
But then I quickly become bored, or want to move on to something new,
and it makes me wonder.
Will I ever be able to truly commit to something really important?
I make a new friend, and I get involved in his or her life.
We talk and tell stories and have a great time, and he or she is my very best friend.
For a few weeks.
Then we run out of things to talk about, or I meet a new friend, and I find myself drifting.
I'd rather talk to my new friend than my older friend.
I try to maintain both friendships, but gradually the new friend takes precedence.
Then the cycle repeats.
Will I be able to commit myself to just one person someday?
Will I find someone I want to be best friends with for the rest of my life?
How could that be when I can't stay committed to friendships now?
I have big plans for the future.
I will study hard in school and become a counselor.
I want to help make things better for others.
But counseling seems like a difficult job, and it will not be easy to become a counselor.
Can I actually do it?
Can I overcome my laziness and fear of the unknown so I can improve myself?
Or is it too hard? If it is too hard, I may quit.
But I don't want to be a quitter.
What am I going to do?
Someday I wish to have a family, and raise children.
I know it won't be easy, but I think I can do it.
On the other hand...
How can I possibly take care of a child?
I've never raised one before, I don't know how.
My lack of knowledge scares me. Can I really commit?
What if I fail my child? I don't want to ruin his or her life.
I don't know how to comfort a crying baby, I can't solve every heartache a child will know.
I want to be a good parent someday, I think I may have it in me.
But what if...? There's always a what if.
I will learn as I go, that is the only possible way to improve.
Making and keeping committments is hard, but I must do it if I want to succeed.
I can practice, and go step by step.
Then maybe it will not be so hard
Can I commit?
I hope so.