never can remember the last time the feelings start
only know when the familiar feeling begins
stay in the dark
no choice but to wait
it burns and burns
so cold it burns


heart begins to rise..fast..too fast
it reaches the throat
only seconds until it is in the mouth
only to be caught swiftly from the teeth
blood fills
biting
swallowing
the taste is so dirty
hot and thick
spilling from all corners of the lips


swallowing again would be impossible
once the heart leaves the body
one might as well be dead
strength will immediately die
the body will fill with such numb chills
do not let the heart leave your mouth
is all to be thought

eventually the forced swallow
it always sinks so slowly
so painfully
back into the chest
but wrecked
the heart will die if not put back into place
I know this

sliding across the floor to prop against the wall
time to get really down and bloody
after a few minutes of agonizing ripping and clawing
the chest is open
more pulling and stripping away flesh
there it is
laying there amidst the bones
arteries and blood vessels could not be more torn
everything is so torn
and one by one
placed back
tied together
few misplaced ties here and there
but that always happens no matter what
fingers get so bloody
the nails have already cracked and fell off

it takes quite awhile but each time its quicker
because one gets good
carefully and easily the heart is picked up
put and connected back into place
now wait for it to beat
squeezing makes the blood flow
and eventually
the heart begins to quietly thump
back and forth
good enough to call it quits

now only to pull the stupid needle and thread
black thread
fingers so slippery
bad job on putting the thread in the eye
but inserting the needle begins
inside the flesh
sewing up the rips and shreds
pull it tightly and wait for the blood to stop
and end with a tie in a nice bow

don't throw the needle away
now spew the blood from the mouth
it flows from already stained teeth
cough it up for a little while longer
now breath
get off the floor
I look at myself in the mirror

chest is sewn shut.
zigzags
shirt is soaked with blood and sweat
hair had turned black
face is blotched in blood
skin is so very white
drained

i can now
sleep