Corners of my mind

No sanctuary am I to find

Doomed in every corner of my mind

I sit here leaning against a wall

Sinking through the floor, I slowly fall

Something must happen, it’s calling me in

Groped, I’m ripped apart by my former sin

Watching every memory, gouge my eyes

Dark in every corner of my mind

There is no sound, no whisper of life

I’m all alone, with only my strife

This is where I am, where I’ve put myself

Feeding the darkness, my pain is its wealth

I dove head first, just to save my life

Drowned in every corner of my mind

I see her and know, it’s all my fault

Opening my eyes, a sudden jolt

So long I’ve been blind, deaf to the truth

A dead rotting tree, I bear no fruit

Frozen on the floor, cold, still I lie

Dead in every corner of my mind

This poem was written in the beginning of 2008, when I was first confronting myself in counseling. It recalls one memory as an allegory to a lie I had been believing regarding my identity. The girlfriend with whom I had just broken up after 4 years together was with me at the beach just one year prior. We were out in the waves when the current pulled us out and pummeled us relentlessly. We tried to swim back to shore and my fear drove me powerfully inland. When I got there, I looked back and she was still out in the thick of it. Ashamed that I had not helped her in, I thought of myself as an “unsafe” person for others to trust. It was combined with the belief that my identity was of one who could do nothing but hurt the ones closest to him.

The alliteration describing the four corners of my mind tells the story of what happens to those who ignorantly trust me, using the imagery of this memory.