Darkness
I feel the darkness slipping into sadness
I feel the anger standing there
I feel completely desperate and hopless
And you don't even care
You walked into my life
Yet YOU don't appriciate my strife
I feel my life's just passing by
I try to spread my wings and fly
But I can't because your just standing there
With your penatrating stare
You broke my heart in half
Because of you I can't even laugh
You , you said we were through
Your, your love wasn't true
You, You made me feel
Like none of this was real
I feel the darkness slipping into sadness
I feel the anger standing there
I feel completely desperate and hopeless
And you don't even care
Your just standing there
Comments
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NikkiM
Your use of repetition here is very good and makes the language quite powerful. I feel the tension between the "you" and the "I." I also like the rhymes, and typically I wouldn't, but you do a nice job. Sometimes, it's interesting to find "slant rhymes," those that don't rhyme perfectly, like moon and shone -- these types of rhyme can add a lot of texture to your poems. I wondered what exactly the "you" did to the "I" to create such intense feelings. Maybe try to add some specifics so that the reader can relate to the actions in the verse. Good job!