Dear Mama

I’m sorry,

I’m sorry,
I’m sorry. 

How many times should I say I’m sorry?

How many times can I tell you I love you
Without hearing you cry because
I know you despise
How seldom I utter those words to you.

How many times?

How many times
Must I testify
That even when I was nine
I could not recognize
All the pain I wrought,
The torture I brought–
To you.

I know I left early,
And I know you were broken by me,
But I’m trying to make you understand
That no matter what predicaments might impend,
I will forever and always love you so readily and so surely.

Even if I’ve said it more than once
I must say it again
Because I love you ya mama
And I’ve never realized what it truly meant.

Loving you is like the waves of the ocean,
Endless in its bounds
And forever in motion.

Loving you is like soaring with both eyes wide open,
Gliding aimlessly through the air
But forever hoping
That the destination is there–
To you.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I didn’t talk you
For those years
When I was young
And your soul full of tears;
Mourning for a daughter that was taken away at the age of eight
And forever remembering her as a child
Even as she aged.

I’m sorry for my loud sayhs (shouts)
Over how you would ask me what I ate
And how I slept.

I would always shout and forget
That what you’re doing isn’t berating,
Nor was it suffocating,
It is loving in its purest form;
Wanting to know my every step was just a means
To subdue the endless pain in your heart,
And yet I wouldn’t inform–
You.

I was blinded by this pain
I could not recognize
Because being so young
I couldn’t identify
What was choking me
Every time I closed my eyes
And saw–
You.

Every night I would sit in my bed
With wild dreams racing in my head
And I would pray to the Lord of that star I wished upon
To bring us together–
But it never did.

You think that I hate you,
And you cry of your regrets to me;
You think I resent you for letting me go,
But what you don’t realize is that I understand the sacrifice you made,
The pain you endured and the silence that would invade
Your ears at night when you would hear me laugh
Even though I was an ocean apart
And it was your dreams that brought you back
To a time where I was your daughter
So faithful and pure,
To a time where I was so young,
Pretty and immature.

Mama, please know this,
The only thing I hate
Is this cruel world
For the fate it has dealt.

I would bleed every drop of blood
Just so you could see
That my existence is obsolete
Without you beside me.

My deepest fear is never seeing you,
That the war will overcome our love
And the next time I see you,
You’ll be covered in dirt and stone
With my feet just above.

And although your voice may ease the pain
It will never regain that security
That I once felt when I was in your arms.

That was ten years ago,
And we’re still sinking on separate boats;
No matter how hard I try to row,
Further away we seem to go.

I’m sorry.

Even though I knew it was you
Who took care of me when I was born anew;
Who listened to me cry with a heavy heart that would sit and stew
In turmoil and pain over the suffering of her child;
And no matter how many times you held me
I would never stop screaming out–
Wild.

I can remember the day at the airport
When I left you;
So reckless I was with your feelings
But if only you knew!
How much I rue that day
Where I walked to the gate so casually.
The pain had yet to strike me and
Had only left me astray,
For I cried too late
When I was already far away.

I can remember your anguished shouts
As I walked holding another woman’s hand
Excited to be away from this barren land
Filled with foriegn words and a culture I couldn’t understand

I was an arm’s length away on that dim day of August, 2005
And yet I slipped past without a care;
But all you wanted was another kiss,
Another touch,
Another hug,
Just a little bit of love.

And I know I might be too late,
But this feeling in my heart I cannot sedate.
I must tell you that I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Come back.

Be safe.

I love you.

I love you.

Please don’t hate me.

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