Dear unforgiven,

 

Writing ‘Dear father' seems inappropriate

considering you're only my father in the sense that your name is on my birth certificate.

After everything I still can’t forgive you, I can’t even forget.

For so long, I have been afraid of you. 

In my mind, like a child’s, you are still larger than life but in a terrible way.

 

I still remember seeing you hit my siblings.

I still remember cowering away from you. 

I still remember hiding underneath my blanket in fear. 

I still remember asking questions I would regret.

I still remember learning to just be quiet.

 

The worst part isn’t the yelling or loud noises that trigger me.

It’s not the depression that comes with the PTSD that you gave me.

The worst part isn’t even that I can’t have people stand close to me without being scared.

It’s not even the fact that I flinch when my own mother hugs me because of you.

Or the fact that I’m scared to let people into my life knowing that they can just walk out.

 

No, it’s none of that. It’s the fact that I miss you almost every second of every day.

That I still want to hug you every time something bad happens, that I want you to protect me.

It’s wanting you to come back to me and promise everything will be ok.

Wanting you to rid me of the years of depression and nightmares and crying so that I can be fine.

Even more than that it’s that I’m not mad at you for leaving because I would leave me too.

 

I can’t be mad at you for moving on.

For meeting someone new and getting remarried.

Not even for raising her kids as if they were your own.

Not for forgetting about mom and me and your four other kids.

It’s not fair I don’t get to be mad because even if I was I don’t get to yell.

 

I know it’s not fair to be mad at you for remarrying when mom is about to do the same.

It also wasn’t fair though for you to beat us and then decide to leave and forget about us.

It isn’t fair that my body is covered in scars or that you left my mind the most scarred of all.

Nothing is fair about the way that you treated mom and made her raise five kids on her own.

The most unfair of all is that you keep trying to get us back only because you want to hurt her.

 

I want to see you again or even just talk to you but I can’t put my mom through that.

I want to know when your birthday is, and how old you are compared to mom. 

I want to see if your hair or beard is starting to gray yet. I want to see how we look alike.

I want to hear your voice again because I can’t remember it. I would like to see your smile.

I want to see how tall you are next to me, I’ve grown in so many ways since I last saw you.

 

You would be so mad at me for my piercings and the way I dress. Even the books I read.

You would hate my blonde hair. The makeup and nail polish I wear. The perfumes I use.

You would hate that I’ve dated people. Just the fact that I’ve hugged a guy would make you mad.

You would hate that I can’t believe in God. That I don’t go to church. That I’m not a christian.

Little do you realize so much of it is your fault.

 

I bleach my hair and it makes me not look like you, I can’t get rid of my freckles or brown eyes.

They make me look like you but they also make me look like mom.

I wish my siblings understood how I feel but they’re all blonde with no freckles and blue eyes.

Not me, I bleach my hair and I still look like you, only I look like you.

It makes me even more scared that I’m going to become just like you.

 

I already look like you. Why wouldn’t I become like you too?

I’m so scared. I’m scared of what I might do. What or who I might become. 

My life is full of lies and pain. I always hurt people and I never mean to hurt anyone.

I always say the wrong thing, it frightens me. Especially when people point out how mean I am.

Is this how it began for you? Did it just start out as being bitter and angry?

 

Because of you I’m scared of the dark, yet I want you to tell me there is nothing to be afraid of.

You made me scared of being alone, yet I want you to be there with me.

It’s your fault that I’m too depressed to do my school work, yet I want you to help me with it.

You were the first to hit me, yet when someone else does I want you to comfort me.

Because of you when people hug me I’m scared of what they did, yet I want you to hug me.

 

So no, I can't forgive you. I can’t even forget. I’m not even mad anymore, I’m just sad.

I can’t forgive you but I wish I could because it burdens me too.

Hopefully you can forgive me though. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you. That we weren’t.

I want you to be happy with your family. I hope you don’t cry over us after everything.

I’m sorry you couldn’t love me. I’m sorry that I didn't deserve it. I truly am sorry.

 

I miss you dad.

Until we meet again, your forgotten daughter.