dysphoria

You are the reminder of a life that i was never meant to exist in, the life of shattered mirrors and holes punched into walls. you are the late nights with lemonade vodka and sprite trying to get the bubbles to mix with the memories and the glass shards that cut too deep. you are the binder my parents refuse to allow me and the packer im too afraid to buy. you are the aching in my head that taunts me with daughter. with sister. with girlfriend. with neice. with she. she. you are the long hair i cut off and the makeup i wear to cover my acne. you are the marks that plague my thighs, my wrists. you are the long nights i waited up because heaven knows that god wouldnt make me who i should have been born. you are the crippling tears that stream down my face like a waterfall on nights to dark to think about and the memories of too heavy skin that i try with everything in me to forget about. you are the dysphoric sentients of my body in the mirror and the dead name that i wish would just stay dead. you are the gender i am not and the terrifying realization that my body is out of sync with the mind that i try to overshadow with too tight sports bras and a tank top i tried to sew together but euhoria is more than broken stitches in the middle of the night from a too loud machine. you are the things i wish i knew and the memories i wksh to forget.