I am jealous of her.

Not even because you love her so much,

When I so very much love you.

I’m jealous because of who she is.

I’m jealous because she is everything I’m not.

I’m jealous because she reminds me of my past.

She is everything I was, but can no longer be.

I’m jealous because maybe she was fucked up too,

But she smiles in joy.

I’m jealous because despite what circumstances she had,

She carried on.

I’m jealous because she lives what I know to be true,

But I just can’t seem to live out.

I’m jealous because she’s stronger than me,

Or maybe I’m jealous because she doesn’t have to be.

 

When I was younger, I was the girl who everyone loved.

I was the girl who didn’t even want to hug.

I was the girl who got made fun of for her innocence.

I was the girl who attracted everyone for abstinence advice.

I used to be her.

 

Maybe she got offered the same choices.

Maybe she got invited to dance.

Maybe she got invited to the movie.

Maybe she got asked out on that date.

Maybe she too felt sorry for the guy who looked like he needed that kiss.

But she said no.

Why didn’t I say no?

I’m jealous because she didn’t go on that date.

I’m jealous because she didn’t get stuck alone.

I’m jealous because she didn’t leave that virgin blood behind.

I’m jealous because I wanted to be her.

 

Or maybe she did get stuck alone.

Maybe she did leave that unwanted stain.

Maybe she didn’t press charges to avoid embarrassment.

Maybe.

But she didn’t turn into a slut.

I did.

I got fucked over.

I’m jealous that something so small could leave me so bitter.

I’m jealous that she never felt she had to get even.

I’m jealous that she never slept with guys to make them feel empty.

I’m jealous that when I was screwing myself up, she was being a goddamn angel.

I’m jealous because as I was praying through tears, she was praying through laughter and love- your love.

 

I’m jealous because my dreams are her reality.

I’m jealous because even that isn’t good enough for her.

I’m jealous because I hope to reach HALF her level.

I’m jealous because she views herself so highly.

I’m jealous because she is confident.

I’m jealous because she knows you will have her back, no matter what.

I’m jealous that she thinks your cheating is unforgivable- the audacity to think she deserves better.

 

I’m jealous because I used to be the same way.

I’m jealous because when I look back, I would forgive you in a heartbeat.

I’m jealous because I’m everything no one wants to be, and she’s everything they do.

 

And in the end, I don’t blame you.

I don’t blame you for wanting her over me.

Who wouldn’t?

In the end, I’m just sad I missed my chance.