I don't even have words. I feel a hollowness, a sadness that comes over me

like a wave. An ocean of grief in my body, 

tidal motions running up and down my spine. 

My chest fluttering, my shoulders shrinking. 

The pain in my head runs across my eyes, 

temple to temple, a pounding constant pain of pressure protruding

outward. 

The exhaustion from lack of good sleep,

constant nightmares keeping me up and my heart racing all night.

the feeling like i am going to cry,

or scream,

or crash to the floor. 

Emptiness.

But I don't understand why.

I may have watched a woman die,

the most dreadful painstaking way possible. While she was surrounded by her 7 young children, and her heartbroken husband. 

Someone I truly didn't know all that well, 

but enough. 

Someone I fed, I bathed, I cleaned, I comforted.

I am haunted. 

And When I am home, 

I think about my husband. 

Who is deployed in a combat zone.

And realize I am here raising two boys on my own. 

Trying to hold it all together. Trying to be a helping friend, trying to be a responsible mother, trying to be a worthy wife.

And I hate myself. 

I feel disgusting in my body, I feel old and ugly, I feel tired and crazy. I feel like a failure. \\