a vicious thing

the pain that always comes

from never getting to know

from no real conversation

that went beyond me wondering

why you stole my clothes

why you’d wake me up

when we shared a room

 

Our ages were a crevasse

that closed as I grew older

how i wanted to know you

how i dreamed of seeing you

as you were, not pretending

when you came at 2AM

when you smoked in early hours

before driving me to school

 

But you’re dead, now

a window closed

i wish i’d known better than that

I wish i’d never thrown out those matches

You were so mad at me

Your last thought of me

Your last utterance to me

was bitter and angry

 

there is not enough

never enough energy in me

to pray for your forgiveness

to beg for an apology

that you will never hear

I cannot erase the past

I can only remember it

and feel guilt press onto me