I can’t write the same anymore

I used to have this glow but it no longer shows

Sitting at the desktop all night, with you by my side, telling me what to write

You were my muse

But sometimes without you, I lose

You said as my father you were supposed to push me farther but in reality you just made my life harder

Watching mama struggle to pay the rent and bills while you were out with your new wife just looking for time to kill

But we don’t have time

I didn’t have time to sit down and rhyme but to prevent from going crazy I closed my eyes and realized that I will be alright

I remember those late night talks with you talking about God

Telling me how wonderful he is and how he will never stop

Loving me

You’re a hypocrital asshole

By you leaving me, it has left a toll

On my life and my mind and I have decided that I might not be alright

That’s why I write

I write late at night when mama is no longer awake

Just in case if I cry, she won’t have to wake up and come dry my eyes

You don’t cry

And I don’t know why

Brother said it’s because it makes you look weak

But you’ve stabbed me in the back and made my heart leak

Sometimes I do wonder if you think about me

As a black teenager, it’s stereotypical for my father to be hanging out on the street

But you’re not on the street

You’re living great, horderves like meat and cheese

Taking spring break trips to New Orleans and being mean cause all of a sudden, you have money

It burns when I have to say dad

It burns I see fathers being fathers

I write when I can’t breathe because of my tears

Even though I’m writing now, blinking away my tears, so no one can hear

My muffled cries for attention that I am craving from a father figure

Brother says he can’t survive without you around

Sister doesn’t even come into town since everything went down

And me, I just write

I take that back, I think I’ll be alright

Sometimes at night I talk to myself, wondering if you still love me

Cause I still love you

You are my father and you did push me farther

Farther away from you, to my pen and paper

Where I reshape her into a wonderful masterpiece that represents how I feel

It gives me chills when I read my work

To see that I am sad

Because I no longer have a dad