Forever

 

Forever, atleast that’s what you said.

But everytime I looked into your eyes it symbolized an ekg line.

Youre blacked out, your words you cannot find so you began telling me lies but in my heart they did not reside because I knew your words could never be proven true.

You put your refuge in me like a shy little girl and her menageries.

You told me you were Ride or Diebut it didn’t take me long to realize, you were my High and Lie.

Because that’s all you ever did was get HIGH when I needed you the most and lie about your presence like if you were a ghost, but I saw all the times you weren’t there and could never shed a tear because real men are rare.

And oh, that saying “ real men don’t cry “ I created a new one “ real men don’t hide “ and matter of fact, they definitely don’t lie. 

Every word you spoke to me was spread like a virus.

Your words captured in my soul, I kept them on repeat like I was infected with disease.

Scratching the insides of my soul, contaminated, I refused to let go.

I thought you could be the one, but you weren’t and nobody could see, even your auntie; who by the way was like a mother to me and she loved me like no other but even she thought you were my lover  because of your actions.

But now we both realize that you were only acting and to you I was just a transaction.

Open up my legs, snap snap you’re back in action.

I lay there with voices in my head mimicking the sound of the springs in the bed.

Those gasps don’t come out just for nothing, because it feels like a jungle entering in me, a painful feeling; taking away my virginity for your satisfaction never thinking about the consequences of our actions.

As if on my head, there was written a big CAPTION. “I’M TAKEN . . . . . ADVANTAGE OF” but really all I ever wanted was love.

And too many times I heard about the big guy up above, that sent his son on earth for my sins and the child I was to give birth, would bring back the memories of hurt.

But I ignored it and my feelings towards you quickly turned a mint cold like orbit.

You acted, like if you cared but your personality had different color egos just like the carebears.

 I needed you more than you needed me was the lie you told yourself.

You wanted full time benefits but I was only your part time job.

But relationships aren’t a job or a career it’s a lifestyle type relationship that should be fulfilled.

You denied me in front of your friends too many times and I’ve finally denied you.

But the only difference between  US and Peter & Jesus, is that  I only gave you two . . . two chances to deny me.

That’s all it took and I could finally see. I was in a relationship with someone who was unworthy of me.

But the lust was so thick while the morals were thin.

You were never really in love with me, you were in love with the thought of having me in your sheets.

Referring to me as a lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets but even in the streets you acted like you didn’t know me.

I guess I was your hologram, only appearing on your phone.

Our relationship was based on sexual pictures and your bed sheets were never lone. . ly.

No conversation only sexual relation but I never got that ring , on my phone asking me how did my day go.

None of that.

I was basically the girl you used just to relax, your mind, take out your frustrations, couldn’t pause time so you chose to rewind, and even though you were with me you had other females on your mind.

You lie, and tell me I’m worth a fortune but I feel less than a dime.

One month, two months has gone by as I start to feel my baby bump rise.

The morning sickness, I could not hide.

I was pregnant by your baby but to scared to let you know that in my belly a child lies.

Abortion was a no go and I’m no longer your side hoe.

I’m no longer your joke because I chose, God over you .

You see you were the guy I was feeling but then theres this guy who created these feelings.

I made a choice to choose him and to let you go.

That’s when I finally got that call I’ve always longed from you, but instead of a sincere I love you, it was much deeper.

As you sing to me “ I would catch a grenade for ya “ .

I laugh, not because your funny but because youre in my past and on the other hand that’s mad emo yo.

And OH, while we’re on the phone, I thought I should let you know.

I’m having your baby and its starting to show.

Four months, five months. I’m halfway there .

Church every Sunday, I’m no longer insecure.

Having a baby out of wedlock, I no longer feared because Jesus’ crucifixion was a marriage proposal to my ears.

And I accepted so I had an abortion, God’s love sucked out the ungodly things from my soul and instantly, I became whole.

No more hurt, no more pain. All of this feels so strange.

Always used to being played like a game .

I was always an unsolvable puzzle , then God came and made me humble.

In a life full a sin,He was there on the double, Kim Possible.

I learned that with Him, nothing is impossible.

I started off with little but now my blessing has been doubled. . . or lessened.

I had a miscarriage, but why God ? didn’t I count my blessings ?

I was lost then found, Amazing Grace.

Now back to the struggle I face, black, white and race.

To your kingdom was I such a disgrace? 

You said come as you are, and I came but now all my pureness and submission has been taken in vain.

My child, I cry, I could feel you kicking inside.

I place my hand on my stomach as if to this world I was bulimic.

And now I pick up my pen and begin to write.

The red ink bleeds through my vagina, it was my childs life.

All over the floor.

I run back tointo God's arms and back onto my knees I conform, presenting my body as a living sacrifice, Holy and acceptable to God because this was truly my reasonable service.  

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