Maybe it was in the way that
You told Aladdin he’d never had a friend like you
Or in the way that
You taught us that even adults can be kids
Or in the way that
You told us that the purpose of language
Is to woo women
Or even in the way that
You dressed as a woman to spend more time with your kids
That made us fall in love with who you are.
We grew to love your voice and laugh,
The way your eyes crinkled when you smiled.
For me, you were not just another actor.
I aspired to have your sense of humor and your humility.
But then I learned that we were more alike
Than originally thought
The morning I saw that you were
Suicide, they say, was the cause.
Nobody had ever told me that people as wonderful as you could feel the things that I used to.
I battled for seven years, since I was 11.
Fighting, daily, the urge to leave this mad, cruel place.
I thought I would never fit in, you see
Because they always told me that I,
Was not worthy of the oxygen I was consuming.
I was made to feel guilty for living so long.
My flesh torn apart by every hateful word spewed to me through a computer screen or the teeth of prepubescent boys and girls.
I did not want my body, so I changed it.
Cut holes in my flesh so the insecurity could leak,
Peeled off my flesh so some new layer of prettier skin could shine forth.
And then I would watch you
And how you would laugh and crack jokes
In any voice your chords could create.
I sat in awe at how happy you seemed to be.
Reality was, you were just like me.
But your story ended different than how I will allow mine to end.
You took the road I thought I wanted, needed.
And showed me just what the taking of my own life could do to those around me.
So I live on, in spite of this wall inside my head
That is preventing me,
Because, without you,
I wouldn’t have realized that even the saddest people
Can be the most inspiring.