The Hidden Cave

Im not really known 

but your gonna know a bit about my life,

some struggles and some pains,

the things I had to fight .

Im not here to complain,

im only here to explain,

or maybe even be discovered out of the hidden cave.

 

I step 365 days back or less,

been through divorce breakup and loss

but I'm still gonna say that I'm blessed.

At home with dad and my big sis,

here and there we're gonna fit,

i'm still dragged up on some past things,

past hills,

and wedding rings.

I smile just to be happy 

to make my peers and my family feel good,

because I felt that complaining is weakness

unless I'm under my hood.

 

The more anger I hold in it's like a filling ballon,

gets big and big till it pops,

because now there is no more room.

Dont get me mad,

oh please please nothing sad. 

I'm not trying to think about the things that I had,

i'm not trying to make a scene infront of my dad,

i don't think I could handle a bit,

even if it's the size of a pin!

 

I'm done seeing my big sis go through her own little thing,

even though it was her it wasnt me,

i still had the eyes to see,

and the mind to hold and recieve,

the same pain she went through,

all the confusion and the fatigue.

If she hurts my heart feels it,

thats probably why right now my heart still needs a little bit more healing.

 

Growing up without a mom

i had to be strong

i couldn't sob

never really explained what I was feeling

i held in my tears by looking up to the ceiling

you need a bra?

who do you ask?

while she asks her mom

I ask my dad.

who does your hair?

I say my dad.

who buys your clothes?

I say my dad.

who makes your meals?

I say my dad.

I ain't complaining 

just a little sad,

but he's more than my pops

he's what I call a true dad. 

But in the making, there's trust issues

i don't call it lies ,

just a little confusion

Thats why I have to hold him tight, 

try not to loose him. 

Already loosing 

one

two

three

four

flying off the base like it's a spring on the floor,

But like I said

i kept it in and I tried to ignore

all the wonders and the pains, yeah I tried to ignore.

 

But when I'm on my way to school it's another situation,

feeling like I'm the only of my kind inside the school's nation,

walking down the hall, people give me looks like Ima hurt them 

Is it because the color of my skin?

Is it because I'm having trouble learning?

But if I'm mad , 

it's a joke,

and if I'm happy

its a joke.

I ask a question

it's a joke.

I wasn't taken serious 

is it because I didn't know

that when I held in my anger 

everything I said in class was a show?

 

I tried to put out the opposite of how i was feeling.

 Why was six afriad of seven?

 Maybe because six needed some healing.

 Couldn't really handle something larger

always ended up holding myself back

what I needed was something to push me farther,

instead of putting my priorities and feelings on the rack. 

 

Now the couples heart broke

no tears fell

this scene really just spoke 

to me and my heart as well

it said,

DONT GIVE OUT ANY LOVE 

DONT SHOW YOUR TRUE FEELINGS

HAVE NO MORE TRUST 

STOP PRAYING 

AND 

STOP KNEELING!!

I followed those rules

thought it would make myself happy

i was only happy when she left because there were no more fingers pointing at me. 

Every women I seen, 

in my eyes I was jealous.

Were they always against me?

Because they were pilling up like the next dish!

 

I closed my eyes so that i would no longer be able to see

what they call reality. 

I'd rather see what was in my dreams. 

The past suburban family, 

the mom that could take care of me, 

no fights,

no yells, just buiscuts and tea.

The more I dream,

the more I wish I could stay asleep.

To stay in the other world I had made

But that's not how it goes

i wake up

and the dream no longer shows.

 

I wasn't thinking I should pray,

but when I did , 

it made my day!

During those days 

there was nothing other to say 

than,

thank you Jesus for letting me live another day.

Till once I thought,

How about I pray for someone else

im doing it for the best

im tired of praying for myself. 

Oh Father God,

please help my family

i ask that you help my dad find someone special

one who cares for me

one who cares for him

one that's not holding the whole family 

by a string

one thats not hiding anything

under the dim lights

i don't want them to bring a thing

well except, 

love,

true happiness,

and

themselves. 

Amen.

I prayed that prayer over and over

day by day 

the way it worked is if you keep in faith

serve him

believe and read everyday.   

 

All I could say is

prayer really pays,

I wasn't as mad

i came off really happy 

my dad he was chill

and my sister wasn't snapping

but now I'm gasping

because the more I think

Was this all just acting? 

I don't know,

but i wish I could just wipe the problems off with a napkin.    

 

Day by day 

its still me sis and dad,

i just wanna make him glad

not trying to do anything bad.

I know he needs a female 

and yes I need a figure

without one I feel like the predicament is just getting thicker.

Till one day

It was a monday

i had no ride to school,

some lady is picking me up

im gonna act polite, 

try not to be rude

i look up front

she says her name it rhymes with dove

she seems really nice, but that's how they all start

i better not have another dart

hitting me like the target is my heart 

 

So I'm just in the back 

i close my eyes

and look above

Oh God,

im praying now 

if there's any ideas

i hope that this is the one.

 Oh ok, yeah she seems different

she seems responsible, 

because on my right was her healthy looking son.

 

The second month

third month 

fourth month 

fifth

the dove flies around me every single day

in my stomach there was a happy feeling in the mist.

 I was taken care of,

not by one,

but by two 

looks like someone actually fits the shoe!

 I don't see bad things,

and from sis no attitude

we were all pretty happy

im not saying it turned out perfect,

But now I'm in the kitchen, getting dressy,

Oh my gosh

im really learning!

But like I said

growning up without a mom

i had to be strong

i couldn't sob

never really explained how I was feeling

i held in my tears by looking up to the ceiling, 

but the tears I'm holding arent because of what I don't have

its because of what I do have

sometimes it's good to cry if you're feeling glad. 

Yeah, yeah,

i know this sounds like way over a year

but each year in my heart it only adds up to one day

because each day I could experience something new

learn from it 

and change.

 

 I'm not saying that I am no longer mad,

because everybody has a past

it could be happy

it could be sad,

but sometimes you need to let the old things pass,

because it's just going to destroy you and hold you back

from moving onto

a clear path.

 

Im not really known

but your going to know a bit about my life,

some struggles and some pains

the things I had to fight.

im not here to complain

im only here to explain 

or maybe even me discovered out of the hidden cave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family
My community

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