Walking in those doors I felt as if I had stepped into Hell

I knew what they were saying about me

I knew they were no longer my friends

I knew that they never were

 

Still, I walked up to them

tried to talk

tried to get them to like me.

Deep down I knew they never would.

All I could ask myself was,

“Why?

What did I do wrong?

What was wrong with me?”

Every day I went home

hid my pain from my mom.

I didn’t want to let her in,

or anyone

 

I couldn’t fathom the thought of her knowing what was going on,

what I was feeling,

seeing me cry myself to sleep,

that I tied a scarf around my neck and held it until I passed out

My room was my only safe ground

My world was nothing.

 

What was the reason to hold on any longer?

 

I searched for a sharp object

I stared at my arm and the object for days

Watching it plunge into my skin

I saw the blood drip out.

I felt the pain in my heart fade a little

a mound of bracelets to cover what I had done

To hide it from the vultures in that place

I couldn’t give them anymore to say about me

But there I was

Doing what I had to do to survive

just a little longer

Hide the pain.

Every day.

Every hour.

Every second.

 

What was wrong with me?

 

Bracelets on to hide the cuts, I walked to the school.

I didn’t talk.

No ,there was no point in talking.

They didn’t listen,

The counselor stopped me in the hall

She had to know.

Hide the pain.

Hide my hurting.

Cover it up.

Don’t let her in.

I shut them out

Shut out the voices

Every day.

Every hour.

Every second.

Pretend I was okay.