Hello,

My name is Noël

I use to sing and play piano
Guitar bass drums
Any instrument
Dance and pray
Cook
I also speak french italian spanish
I sing opera and jazz
Blues..i write my own songs and perform
I am an actress would be who knows one day
I could have been a star!!

Well...

I lived in Harlem
A black and hispanic neighborhood in upper manhattan..
There was a lot of heroin addicts and crack heads
Gang violence on my block growing up
I remember hearing them fight outside the window and the screaming and crying minutes later

I remember whencthe blood gang had a fight on my block killing more than 6 people in 10 minutes
Right here on 111th and 5th. I seen people get shot in the bodega and die i seen a lot..well a lot of us black kids do so whats new right??

Well..i was a smart kid..quiet and observant..but otherwise fairly happy and grateful.

I wasn't always a good girl
When i was younger , 4 years old I was molested
In school.

Honestly, I never really was the same
I always felt like, my soul was being eaten
I can see spirits
But someone told me it is schizoprenia
I dont even know if that is spelled right

Well anyway

I try to fit in
I became a sex addict at age 8 facing panic attacks, body seizure and depression
I masked this with music, as well as food
Watching porn and learning to receive orgasms
When i was 10 I was already having sex with multiple partners
At 11 i was having phone sex with adult men
At 12 I was morbid obese and still depressed
At 13 i lost weight and
At 14 I was raped by a 27 male
I thought it was my old ways that lured him, i continued then to have sex with older men
I started taking drugs and liquor regularly as a teen

I think what saved me is my parents even though my father regularly cheated on my mother
I felt like my brother didnt like me much, he would beat me bc my father did..

I went to catholic school my whole life
I think i always contemplated suicide..i always felt like none of this was real..and like this is some cruel plan..at one point i felt like my mother was Saten

I am not sure who to trust.
I think the people in my life now care but..
I dont want to burden them..

I wrote this poem earlier:

do you know
What it feels like
To feel cornered
To know that noone is there with you
To expose yourself again and again
And to be without ally
Do you know what it feels like
To be there for someone
When they needed you
And then they punish you
Compare you
Neglect you
Push you away
Lie to you
Make fun of you
Ignore you
And have others have fun
With your heart
People that pass judgement
And dont even know me
Can just judge me because

Well how many people thought that and did it too?
Much more than you think

Hurting

Do you know what it feels like
To give your everything to someone
And they go back to what they knew
And everything you gave them
They give that to other multiple women

Do you know what it feels like to be punched by a man
In sleep because he is full of stress
Do you know what is like
To be a sex object when all you wanted to do
Was chill?

When you just did a prayer on his body with a kiss
Only to find he takes it all as a joke

Did you know that his friends call me a joke..a fuck girl?

I haven't had sex in a whole year..i gave him all of me and now..i am a fuck girl? And second rate..maybe third or 4th.

I will not hate. I will not hurt. I will not lie to myself.

To be surrounded by others who know everything about me and him but hardly know a thing of me and who i am: a human.

A human...

Now i know why

People take their life...

It sucks living here with people..

They don't care ..only for their short termed memory that fuels their quick addictions of selfishness..

It hurts..

Everything

Just piling up

Friends that betray

Father that hits

Mother that neglects

Brother that hits

School that judges

Bandmates that leave

Money that never is enough for bills that is my responsibility

But the truth is my loves...none of these corcumstances was the true cause. I beleive that perhaps theres justca better place for me, just not here. I never wanted to kill anyone. I turned vegan because I really don't like what we are doing to animals and the world.

Its noones fault. Not even yours.

All I wanted

Was to have fun with others
To be loved..

That all I ever wanted

To be loved

I think that happened.

So if you are reading this..

I am sorry

Don't be sad..

I will be at a better place soon.

I hope you never feel what I went through.
I hope that you have the strength to share your love to the world.
The truth is there is love here.

There is love all over.

I just don't think I am strong enough.

Please don't be sad.
You will forget me soon.

I tried my best.

I love you all.

Bye for now..see you in the future.

Love always,

NSW