3 years ago, i was sitting in a quiet classroom, in a new building, with unfamiliar faces surrounding me
i quickly gained acquaintances, of course i was told i would
thats normally what happens when you go on a quest like mine
dont you remember?
i was so sweet and innocent, almost like the perfect little angel that never saw it coming
the soft smile i had, i could have torn down planets with just a glance
the glossy sparkle in my eyes held so much hope
an energetic soul
the kind of girl that people fall for
and i remember you
you sat in the back and never said a word unless you had to
and i noticed you, of course i would notice you
your tired eyes never seemed to meet mine but i knew you were staring
and i swear, from that day on, i was attached to you
you were a mystery, and i, an innocent angel
2 years ago
i finally learned about demons and even gained some of my own
i thought they were my friends, as my real ones had all left me
i thought god had been generous and decided to send me some new friends that could keep me company wherever i go
so useful! i told myself
but then i learned that they were not there to make sure i wasnt lonely
they tore me down piece by piece and made sure i was watching every moment of it
dark circles began to form under my eyes and i kept catching myself staring at the floor and the walls blankly and i began to realize that maybe i wasnt put here for a quest, i was put here for damnation.
i learned that the only reason i could ever be put here was to show me what happens when you dont follow the rules
the demons never left
you showed no interest in me anymore, not even a slight glance in my direction
i stopped trying for your attention
i only tried to get through every day, with almost no reason to care
i was a corpse, you were dim lit
one year ago
i rarely thought of you
my biggest worry was now my fears engulfing me
i was the saddest ive ever been
my hands shook when i spoke
i wore layers and layers, hoping to cover my scars and other insecurities
i changed things about myself to see if itd helped
i wore makeup, i cut my hair, changed what clothes i wore
maybe i can be good enough, pretty enough, pure enough
maybe god will be pleased
god have mercy on this poor girls soul
the girl who walked the halls like a ghost, who was terrified of making eye contact and never dared to speak out, the girl who no longer had the choice but to force a smile, the girl who ran away from her friends every single time she had a panic attack because she knew they wouldnt be able to do anything but watch her fall apart, the girl who was forced to live in a trailer for 3 years and couldnt stand sitting in those corners or sleeping on that mattress because she couldnt survive the nightmares and the torture any more than she could stand sitting alone in that bathroom and crying her eyes out because life just wasnt fair.
the girl that felt so pathetic that she went and tried to take her own life.
only god knows why she chose to keep going.
i saw you in my classes, and i wish i could just talk to you.
but you wouldnt want to talk to me.
i had my chances and i tried to take them
lets hope they payed off, right?
by the end of that year, i think i found myself a little differently, but im not sure it was entirely good.
i was a walking demon, you were a bright light.
6 months ago
you showed interest in me
you texted me for hours on end
we talked about everything and anything
you were there for me when you didnt even notice
the first time you called me cute, i had the dumbest smile on my face
i swear you made my life seem a little more worth living
i didnt feel so much like a walking corpse
but then again, i was also committing another sin
and sinning is what brought me to this hell in the first place
its what changed me from an innocent angel to the devil itself
you stuck by my side through the good nights and the terrible ones
you showed me how beautiful the sunset was, or how perfect a song can seem if you just listen
but you didnt realize that everytime i asked you to distract me or send me another song i was trying so hard to find a reason to go on to the next day.
i never told you, but out of everyone i asked, you were the only one that could show me a reason
and some nights it was harder to convince myself than others, but i still made it through.
you want to know what happened to make me lose myself?
i sinned too much
im not pure
and god would never have mercy on the devils soul
but you would, wouldnt you?
i thought so.
because you did. you had mercy on my soul.
and you listened to me, you talked to me, and soon enough you loved me.
i was the devil, and you, my hope
now, you are mine
every day seems a little more worth living
and even though some days seem a little harder than others, im still here
and im still going
i do have my nights, where i cry for no reason and i cant seem to focus on whats being said to me
but it goes away over time
i stopped caring so much about other people more than i cared about myself
except for you
i would give my life for you
but of course, you would do the same
that never made sense to me though
none of this does
why did you fall for the devil, instead of the angel?
what was so appealing about the sadness that surrounded me?
did you want to fix me, was that it?
or was the angel not good enough for you
or maybe you were just looking for something different, because you didnt feel like following the rules anymore.
let me tell you right now
sinning leads to a dark path.
but i guess thats just what you do when you fall in love, especially when its with the devil herself.
have mercy on your soul
because you are now a sinner.
i am the devil, you are an angel.