I grew up a girl.

I liked playing with dolls and wearing dresses

I liked the color pink and giggling at stupid jokes that seemed like the funniest things ever.

I did what i was supposed to

I acted how I was taught and got pretty good at it.

I dressed how everyone wanted me to,

I ate the right foods and the right portions because who will love you if you're unattractive?

I learnt to smile just like the skinny pretty girls in magazines who have pearly white teeth and perfect bodies because if you dont look like them, who even are you?

I tried to keep to myself and not reveal anything “ugly” to my friends because I didn't want to upset anyone. 

I learnt to hold my head low when walking alone and then make people look and stare when with a group.

I colored inside the lines, making seemingly perfect drawings,

I was their perfect little girl for over 11 years. 

Once i got to 13 i forgot how to fit in their boxes

I forgot that scars are permanent and that pain is temporary.

I forgot how to dress and how to eat and how to act and color in the lines and how to squeeze myself into these boxes, these standards that have been set.

I forgot that I was their perfect little girl.

I forgot how to want to grow up and become one of the perfect girls who have a family and 2 dogs in the perfect city at the perfect time. 

I forgot how to smile like the skinny pretty girls in magazines I wanted to be so badly. 

I forgot that you were supposed to focus on having kids and having an attractive and rich husband while being the hot mom in her 20’s before making yourself happy. 

I forgot that my hair is supposed to be long and straight and blonde and silky smooth. 

I forgot that I’m supposed to like being called she and her instead of being called they and them. 

I forgot that my name isn’t charlie, that it’s charlotte and that i'll always be seen as a charlotte, no matter how short my hair is or how much I bind.

I’ll never be seen as handsome, just pretty and beautiful.

That even when I try my hardest to look like myself, i won’t be enough because im not fitting in the boxes people think i should,

And that’s because I grew up a girl.

Because you can’t just stop things like saying hello to everyone you pass in the halls or covering your mouth when you smile and laugh, or crossing your legs when your sitting down and always make sure that you wear shorts under your skirt because you never know when someone will try and pull you to the side and touch your or try to look up your skirt or take pictures of you and send them to their friends or post them online and harass you can call you names.

And that’s because I grew up a girl.

At some point I got fed up with these rules and boxes and jokes and threats and lessons because I never felt like a girl. . 

At some point I stopped pretending and became the person I wanted to be, not the one everyone else wanted.

That person was born and raised as a girl but didn’t feel like one anymore.

That person didn’t want to give birth and wanted to legally change their name. 

That person is scared of going outside alone, especially at night

Why couldn’t I just be the little girl they wanted me to be?

I know I was born a girl, but that's not me anymore.

I did what I was supposed to.

I changed my name and cut my hair. 

I dressed masculine and tried to talk in a lower voice. 

I attempted to make friends with boys

Yet i was seen as a girl

Because I was born a girl.

Because the people i lived around saw me growing up and saw me as a girl

They saw me change my name and my hair and my clothes and how much or how little i ate at lunch.

These people saw me become the person i am today

Yet i'm still seen as a girl to them

I grew up a girl 

But i am not a girl anymore, 

Don't treat me like one,

Don't harass me and call me names and make fun of me and my body and how i express myself.

respect me.

Treat me like who i am,

Which is not a girl.

I am not a girl.