It was 7:35 in the morning
And I stood in the hallway of my AP Literature class.
My shoes were tied, my shirt was pressed,
And my bowtie was neatly and perfectly tied around my white collar.
I swear, I had this bad boy perfect,
45 degrees at every corner with the knot in the center,
Exactly the size of a quarter.
He and his friends were laughing.
A discombobulating collection of cackles that was obnoxious and, quite frankly, annoying.
Why y’wearing a bowtie, man? Got a hot date? He says.
Another round of laughter from him and his manservants.
I stuff both hands into my pockets and force a smile.
I decide to bite my tongue instead of his
And I resist the temptation to ask
Why in God’s green earth are you wearing t-shirt that clearly says 4/20 and gym shorts complete with two toned socks and slides?
For god sake, at least make them match!
I wear bowties. Because bowties are cool, I say.
I mean come on, dude, we’re at school. Y’look ridiculous, y’know? Why the heck would you wear a BOWTIE to school?
And I wish he hadn’t said that- call me ridiculous-
Because usually I’m a nice guy.
But here’s the thing, I’m also a small guy
And I don’t exactly appreciate it when someone insults me, especially when it comes to my outfit.
You want to know why I wear a bowtie?
I wear a bowtie because when I step on campus,
Every teacher takes their time to say
Good Morning Ray, what a lovely bowtie!
Women swoon at the sight of me
And guys offer out their hands in hope of that ritualistic high five.
I wear a bowtie to make me stronger
I get up in the morning
And spend 20 minutes to achieve that crisp center knot.
And every day my biceps get bigger and bigger and bigger
Each time I spend tying it.
Trust me, my friend,
A bowtie is a fantastic 19 inch workout.
It requires the patience of a Tibetan monk
And dexterity of a master keyboardist,
That’s right. I can type 10 words per minute.
Why do I wear a bowtie?
Because whenever there is an awkward air of silence,
All I have to do is say hello to break the ice.
A bowtie can make you feel as confident as David when he fought Goliath
And it can give off the idea that you’d rather sit
And laugh at how ridiculous people in gym shorts look
Than do actual work In class.
Why do I wear a bowtie?
Because I’ve had a crush on this wonderful girl since freshman year
And when I ask her to prom,
she’ll remember how cute I looked.
And when the time comes,
When I’m with the girl of my dreams,
When I’m dressed in a pressed white button up
And classic silk bowtie,
I’ll get down on one knee and say
“Will you marry me?”
I wear bowties. Because bowties, my friend, are cool.