I would write a poem…

but my father always told me to get to the point, so I’ll write this list instead. 

10 things you should know before falling in love with me: 

1.     I don’t know why people make sadness look so appealing. From where I’m sitting, it looks like broken tracks, an exhausted engine, and a tunnel with no light at the end.  Unfortunately, my train is already traveling at full speed and the brakes stopped working when I was 7. Maybe you could show me how to fix them.

2.     When I was little my parents decided that my teeth needed fixing.  They were crooked and jagged; filled with empty spaces and crevices.  Although they are straight now, not even four years of braces could fix that I struggle to spit my words out through the cracks and that I stutter when they get stuck.  I’m hard to understand, but I promise I will try to communicate without tripping over my sentences. 

3.     My older brother taught me that someone’s time and attention were something I would have to fight for.  For a long time I thought it was easier not to be seen or heard.  I am my brother’s sister, and his traits' seep out of my pores more fluidly than I thought they would; I still can’t decide if I'm proud of that.  I will try to learn how to share.

4.     I love poetry, my dog, and making you happy. 

5.     My family loves loudly, the same way the thunder demands the earth know its dedication to lightning.  I am quiet.  I love the same way the grass grows in the springtime, sprouting infinitely higher without ever making a sound.  I hope you will be able to notice.

6.     I have been trying to shrink my body since I was 15. I had a deadly notion that if I took up less space maybe the world wouldn’t notice as many of my mistakes. I am starting to learn that numbers look better in class than they do on a scale; I am punishing my body to fill a void in my mind. You can’t solve a mental problem with a physical solution and the only peace of mind I’ve ever had is you.  Sometimes I backtrack and starve myself until I can’t feel anything. Don’t be scared, and please don’t run away. I will always get better.

7.     I have been diagnosed with ADD and anxiety with “OCD tendencies”.  For a long time I was deafened by the sound of my parent’s disappointment, so I never heard the doctors suggestion to take medicine. It took 719 miles and 16 hours of distance before I could understand that taking these medications don’t make me “crazy”. If I start to get upset, please just let me be. I’m not asking you to fix me, I’m learning to do that myself. 

8.     I have a habit of owning other peoples’ responsibilities, something I picked up when my dad left. Size 12 shoes don’t fit the feet of a six-year-old girl, and my body was never meant to carry a family of four. When he left, my mom began to get crushed by the weight of it all, and although I was only four feet tall and 60 pounds, I stepped underneath to help hold it up. I will do this with you, too.  Please don’t let me.

9.     I am both a gypsy and a maple tree.  I like to leave places before I can ever get really attached, but the roots of my heart always manage to dig deep into the ground allowing my branches to grow long enough that they can brush away the sadness of those that surround me. Maybe one day that will make sense, I hope you’ll stay long enough to figure it out. 

10.  When I love, I love really hard. I can’t promise you much, but I can promise that when you are drowning in a sea of darkness, I will be a lifeboat ready to save you. When you are excited, I’ll be your bottle of champagne.  When you’re having a bad day, I’ll be your blanket, ready to wrap around you and keep you safe. I will love you.

-h.h